FRIENDS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL CROSSOVER Series two
by btvs
Summary: Series two of my popular friendshigh school musical crossover, scripts from   check out my profile for series one and vids
1. Chapter 1

Hello, for newcomers look at my profile to find series one, for everyone that's commented and waited for me to update, thank you, i'm so glad you're enjoying it.

Yay! What time is it! Time for series two, hope you all enjoyed series one, i am making some videos to accomply these stories so keep checking out my profile. Here's Ashley with a round up of what happend last series

ASHLEY: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Zac was in love with Vanessa since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Spanish guys. Finally Corbin was like "forget about her" but when Zac was in Russia on his dig, Corbin let it slip that Zac was in love with Vanessa. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Zac was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

VANESSA: Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Emergency! Excuse me!

ZAC: Van!

VANESSA: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was Russia, you?

ZAC: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: You're bleeding.

VANESSA: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from Russia. I wanna hear everything!

ZAC: Well, where do I start? This is Olesya. Olesya, this is Vanessa.

VANESSA: These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country.

OLEYSA: Thank you. I'm from New York.

VANESSA: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.

MONIQUE: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Zac.

ASHLEY: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

LUCAS: Um, this?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MONIQUE: Guys, you got your hair cut.

CORBIN: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Tisdale.

ASHLEY: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.

VANESSA: Airport, airport. Zac, not alone, Olesya, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

CORBIN: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

VANESSA: You, you, you said he liked me. You, you slowpokes!

ZAC: That's all right, Van, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Olesya, this is my sister Monique, Corbin, Lucas. Everyone, this is Olesya.

OLESYA: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.

ZAC: And bus.

OLESYA: Oh my god.

ZAC: You gotta hear this story.

OLESYA: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old, and this guy--

VANESSA: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.

MONIQUE: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

OLESYA: Well, Zac and I were in grad school together.

ZAC: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in Russia, guess who's in charge of the dig.

VANESSA: Olesya! Olesya, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

MONIQUE: It's just an expression.

ZAC: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.

OLESYA: And then we've gotta get some sleep.

ZAC: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

CORBIN: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen, 'cause I like to be surprised.

ZAC: Hey, Van, can I get some coffee?

VANESSA: Yeah, sure.

ZAC: Thank you.

CORBIN: Hey, Van, can I get--

VANESSA: Did you talk to him?

CORBIN: Not yet.

VANESSA: Then, no.

CORBIN: So what the hell happened to you in Russia? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

ZAC: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?

CORBIN: God?

ZAC: It was you, pal.

CORBIN: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

ZAC: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Olesya, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

CORBIN: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

VANESSA: Here's your lemonade.

ZAC: I didn't order lemonade.

VANESSA: Oh. Well than, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.

ZAC: But--

VANESSA: Go go go go, come on! Well, what did you find out?

CORBIN: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.

ZAC: How is that the silver lining?

CORBIN: You have to really wanna see it.

ZAC: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

MONIQUE: Ash, you know what I'm thinking?

ASHLEY: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

MONIQUE: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

ASHLEY: All right, so what were you thinking?

MONIQUE: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?

ASHLEY: Oh. No.

MONIQUE: Why not?

ASHLEY: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

MONIQUE: No you're not.

ASHLEY: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

phone rings

LUCAS: Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Zac, it's Olesya.

ZAC: Hello? Hi.

CORBIN: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?

LUCAS: Needs some clothes altered?

CORBIN: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

LUCAS: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990?

CORBIN: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

ZAC: Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. Well you didn't hang up either. Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y--

VANESSA: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

ZAC: Olesya! I'll just call her back.

VANESSA: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Zac was just Zac, just this guy. Now he's Zzzzzaaacccccc, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

MONIQUE: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

VANESSA: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here.

CORBIN: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.

LUCAS: You know, I think I was sixteen.

MONIQUE: Please, just a little bit off the back.

ASHLEY: I'm still on "no".

VANESSA: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

LUCAS: No no no no no, I'm not fallin' for that again.

ASHLEY: What's goin' on?

VANESSA: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.

CORBIN: What stupid thing did you do?

ENRIQUE: Hola!

ASHLEY: Ewww!

VANESSA: Ok, Enrique, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye.

MONIQUE: Vanessa, how did this happen?

VANESSA: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.

ASHLEY: Where?

VANESSA: At his apartment. Is this juice?

LUCAS: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Ashley?

VANESSA: I know, I know I'm a pathetic loser.

MONIQUE: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

CORBIN: People do stupid things when they're upset.

MONIQUE: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake.

ZAC: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was touching.

ASHLEY: Hey, hey Zac.

ZAC: Hey, Enrique. What are you doing here?

ENRIQUE: I do Vanessa.

ZAC: So, uh, he's back.

VANESSA: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

ZAC: No, not a problem.

VANESSA: I'm glad it's not a problem.

ASHLEY: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

CORBIN: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.

LUCAS: Hey, Corbin, when you see Frankie, tell him Lucas says hello. He'll know what it means.

CORBIN: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

MONIQUE: You know it's funny, the last time Enrique was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.

ASHLEY: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monique about it.

MONIQUE: I promise.

ASHLEY: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.

ASHLEY: All right, that's it, I quit.

MONIQUE: What? I didn't say anything.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

MONIQUE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ashley. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

ASHLEY: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

MONIQUE: How who wears it?

ASHLEY: Demi Moore.

MONIQUE: Demi Moore is not a he.

ASHLEY: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

MONIQUE: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh, oh my god!

MONIQUE: Oh my god!

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?

MONIQUE: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.

ASHLEY: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

MONIQUE: I KNOW!

FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs?

CORBIN: At least as long as I have the pants.

FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.

VANESSA: How is she?

ASHLEY: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.

ZAC: How's the hair?

ASHLEY: I'm not gonna lie to you, Zac, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

LUCAS: Can we see her?

ASHLEY: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Zac, you come on in.

LUCAS: How're you doing?

VANESSA: I'm ok.

LUCAS: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.

VANESSA: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.

LUCAS: You gotta tell Zac how you feel.

VANESSA: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Olesya?

LUCAS: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Zac has been in love with you for like 10 years.

VANESSA: I don't know, I don't know.

LUCAS: Look, Van, Van, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Zac felt about you.

CORBIN: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man.

LUCAS: Frankie? What're you talking about?

ZAC: Hey, what's goin' on?

CORBIN: Lucas's tailor...took advantage of me.

ZAC: What?

LUCAS: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

CORBIN: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite--

ZAC: what?

CORBIN: Cupping.

LUCAS: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Zac, Zac, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

ZAC: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

LUCAS: What? That's not? Oh my god.

MONIQUE: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

ZAC: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.

MONIQUE: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

CORBIN: Come on, Monique, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

ZAC: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Van.

VANESSA: Wait, are you leaving?

ZAC: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"

LUCAS: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...

CORBIN: That's ok.

ZAC: What's goin' on?

VANESSA: Well, first of all, Enrique and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what?

ZAC: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

VANESSA: No.

ZAC: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Vanessa". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Olesya. Was there a second of all?

VANESSA: No, I think that was the whole all.

LUCAS: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.

OLESYA: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Maggie Gyllenhaal's new haircut?

ASHLEY: You wanna do it right now?

OLESYA: Great!

ASHLEY: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Maggie Gyllenhaal's the girl from Mona Lisa Smile, right?

VANESSA: No. No no no no no. That's Jake Gyllenhaal. Maggie Gyllenhaal is the guy from Brokeback Mountain.

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.

VANESSA: You're welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

Hope you like the Urban Outfitters refernce, it seems to be Vanessa's fav store!

MONIQUE: Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist.

ASHLEY: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?

CORBIN: You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.

LUCAS: I gotta get one, too.

ZAC: What are you guys doing?

CORBIN: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?

ZAC: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

LUCAS: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

ZAC: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Kay's fine with it, now come on.

CORBIN: Kay, Kay? I was just wondering if Lucas could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

KAY: Sure.

LUCAS: Uh, does it hurt?

KAY: It did at first, but not anymore.

LUCAS: Corbin?

CORBIN: So, uh, how often can you do it?

KAY: As much as he needs.

LUCAS: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

**OPENING TITLES**

OLESYA: Vanessa, do you have any muffins left?

VANESSA: Yeah, I forget which ones.

OLESYA: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go.

VANESSA: Thank you. What a bitch.

OLESYA: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Urban Outfitters who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?

ASHLEY: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

MONIQUE: Ok, um, I'll go with you.

OLESYA: Great.

ZAC: Hi, honey.

CORBIN: Hey, sweetums.

ZAC: Hello to the rest.

LUCAS: Monique what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Vanessa?

MONIQUE: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

CORBIN: Come on, you're going to Urban Outfitters with Olesya? That's like cheating on Vanessa in her house of worship.

MONIQUE: But I'm--

ASHLEY: Monique, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.

ZAC: So, uh, Olesya tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?

MONIQUE: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.

ZAC: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monique. I really appreciate this.

MONIQUE: You're welcome.

ASHLEY: Woof, woof.

LUCAS: Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.

ANNABELLE: Hey, Lucas. So did you hear about the new guy?

LUCAS: Who?

ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.

LUCAS: What's he doin' in my section?

ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.

LUCAS: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'?

TODD: Mornin'.

LUCAS: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.

TODD: Your territory, huh?

LUCAS: Yeah. Bijan for men?

GUY: No thanks.

TODD: Hombre?

GUY: Yeah. All right.

TODD: You were saying?

MONIQUE: Ashley, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

ASHLEY: What?

MONIQUE: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

ASHLEY: Oh, all right. What did I have?

MONIQUE: You had a salad.

ASHLEY: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

VANESSA: Hey, guys, what's up.

ASHLEY: I went shopping with Monique all day, and I had a salad.

VANESSA: Good, Ash. What'd you buy?

ASHLEY: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

VANESSA: You went shopping for fur?

ASHLEY: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs.

VANESSA: You bought boobs?

ASHLEY: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

LUCAS: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work we could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.

ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.

TODD: Ready, Annabelle?

ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time?

LUCAS: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?

KAY: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.

ZAC: Kay, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.

SHELLEY: Honey, relax. Zac is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.

VANESSA: Oh, this is so cute.

SHELLEY: Oh, I got that for him.

ZAC: My mommies love me. That's clever.

MONIQUE: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ol-- Hi, Oliver! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye.

VANESSA: Did you just say Hi, Oliver?

MONIQUE: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Oliver.

ASHLEY: Ben, dinner!

ZAC: Thanks Aunt Ash. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

ASHLEY: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.

CORBIN: What did you just do?

ASHLEY: I licked my arm, what?

ZAC: It's breast milk.

ASHLEY: So?

VANESSA: Ashley, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

LUCAS: What is the big deal?

CORBIN: What did you just do?

ZAC: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

ASHLEY: You won't even taste it?

ZAC: No!

ASHLEY: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

ZAC: Not even if Kay's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

MONIQUE: Hey, where is everybody?

VANESSA: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?

MONIQUE: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.

VANESSA: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Momo, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

MONIQUE: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

VANESSA: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket

MONIQUE: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

VANESSA: Monique, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

MONIQUE: Olive.

VANESSA: Who?

MONIQUE: Olesya.

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: Olly.

VANESSA: You were with Olesya?

MONIQUE: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my Step brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

VANESSA: Oh. Oh my god.

MONIQUE: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

VANESSA: Yeah, right.

MONIQUE: Really, Vanessa, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.

VANESSA: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.

MONIQUE: That is not true!

VANESSA: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?

MONIQUE: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

VANESSA: Ok, Monique. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Urban Outfitters? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.

MONIQUE: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Vanessa working? It's Monique. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve.

KAY: How did we do?

ASHLEY: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Zac freaked out.

ZAC: I did not freak out.

KAY: Why'd you freak out?

ZAC: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

KAY: My breast milk is gross?

SHELLEY: This should be fun.

ZAC: No, no, Kay. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

CORBIN: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.

KAY: Zac, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.

ZAC: That would be no.

ASHLEY: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

LUCAS: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--

SHELLEY: Cantaloupe juice.

LUCAS: Exactly.

ZAC: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

SHELLEY: Uh huh.

ZAC: Oh, you've tasted it.

SHELLEY: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

ZAC: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.

CORBIN: Howdy.

LUCAS: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.

CORBIN: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.

LUCAS: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Corbin, he goes through two bottles a day.

CORBIN: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

LUCAS: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

CORBIN: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

LUCAS: Yeah I guess you're right.

CORBIN: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.

LUCAS: I'm gonna do it.

CORBIN: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

MONIQUE: I don't know what else to say.

VANESSA: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

MONIQUE: I feel terrible, I really do.

VANESSA: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

MONIQUE: Vanessa, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

VANESSA: Yes.

MONIQUE: It's that terrible?

VANESSA: Yes. Monique, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you.

MONIQUE: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

VANESSA: I love you too.

ASHLEY: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.

MONIQUE: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Olesya's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?

VANESSA: I'd do anything for you, you know that.

MONIQUE: I'd do anything for you.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

LUCAS: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.

TODD: I heard ya.

STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?

TODD: Ready.

LUCAS: Yeah, I'm ready.

CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!

STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?

TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?

LUCAS: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?

ANNABELLE: Sure.

OLESYA: So.

VANESSA: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

OLESYA: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

VANESSA: Really? Me?

OLESYA: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Zac is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

VANESSA: Well, you're not totally paranoid.

OLESYA: Oy.

VANESSA: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Zac first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monique's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

OLESYA: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

VANESSA: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

OLESYA: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

VANESSA: All right, Olesya. What a manipulative bitch.


	3. Chapter 3

Mr Ortega is of course Kenny the director of hsm ( you will see him again later)

CORBIN: Hey.

MONIQUE: So how was Joan?

CORBIN: I broke up with her.

CORBIN: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

VANESSA: Come on, they were not that huge.

CORBIN: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

MONIQUE: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

LUCAS: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Corbin on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

CORBIN: You or me?

ZAC: I got it. Uh, Lucas, women don't have Adam's apples.

LUCAS: You guys are messin' with me, right?

ALL: Yeah.

LUCAS: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

ASHLEY: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

CORBIN: Maureen Rosilla.

ZAC: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

MONIQUE: Hello, Mr. Bolton.

MR. BOLTON: You're doing it again.

MONIQUE: We're not doing anything.

MR. BOLTON: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

VANESSA: You don't have birds.

MR. BOLTON: I could have birds.

MONIQUE: Ok, Mr. Bolton, we'll try to keep it down.

MR. BOLTON: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

VANESSA: All right, bye-bye.

CORBIN: Ok, Keke. Keke. You gotta give me Keke. That wasn't about being picky.

ZAC: We'll give you Keke.

ASHLEY: I miss Keke though. "Hello, Corbin Bleu."

VANESSA: "Oh, my, god."

LUCAS: "Oh, Corbin, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

MONIQUE: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

VANESSA: We won. We won!

MONIQUE: Mr. Bolton.

VANESSA: How did this happen?

MR. ORTEGA: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

MONIQUE: That's terrible.

MR. ORTEGA: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.

ZAC: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

MR. ORTEGA: You never know.

ASHLEY: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Bolton!

CORBIN: Ok, Ashley.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

LUCAS: Such as?

ASHLEY: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

ZAC: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

ASHLEY: Nah. Not really.

ZAC: You don't believe in evolution?

ASHLEY: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

ZAC: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I just don't buy it.

ZAC: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Ashley. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

ASHLEY: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

ZAC: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

ASHLEY: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(knock)

CORBIN: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

MR. ORTEGA: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Bolton' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

MONIQUE: What can we do for you?

MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".

MONIQUE: Well, what about his family?

MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.

VANESSA: Ok, so let's talk money.

MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

MONIQUE: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

VANESSA: Have you ever seen so much crap?

CORBIN: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

LUCAS: Check this out. Can I have this?

ZAC: How can you not believe in evolution?

ASHLEY: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

ZAC: Ash, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

ASHLEY: Really? You can actually see it?

ZAC: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

ASHLEY: See, I didn't know that.

ZAC: Well, there you go.

ASHLEY: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

CORBIN: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

LUCAS: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. guy comes homes with a date. Hey Corbin, look, you're in here too.

CORBIN: April 18th, excessive noise. guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

VANESSA: Monique, Monique, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

MONIQUE: Van, I think we have enough regular lamps.

VANESSA: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

MONIQUE: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

VANESSA: Well, what about my stuff?

MONIQUE: You don't have any stuff.

VANESSA: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

MONIQUE: No.

VANESSA: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

MONIQUE: Mmmmm.

VANESSA: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

ZAC: Ok, Ash. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

ASHLEY: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

ZAC: Please tell me you're joking.

ASHLEY: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

ZAC: No, no, Ash, we can't, ok, because--

ASHLEY: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Zac under the microscope.

ZAC: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

LUCAS: Check it out, check it out. Bolton's high school yearbook.

CORBIN: Wow, he looks so normal.

ASHLEY: He's even kind of cute.

LUCAS: "Bolton, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.

CORBIN: Funniest? Bolton?

LUCAS: That's what it says.

CORBIN: Wow, Bolton was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

ASHLEY: I'd call that excessive.

CORBIN: Whoa!

LUCAS: What?

CORBIN: Bolton played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

LUCAS: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

CORBIN: I just think it's weird, you know? Bolton and me, Bolton, and me, me and Bolton...Would you knock it off?

LUCAS: Have you been here all night?

CORBIN: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Bolton went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

LUCAS: Corbin, Bolton was a nut case.

CORBIN: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

LUCAS: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

CORBIN: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

LUCAS: Corbin, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

CORBIN: How do you know that? How?

LUCAS: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

CORBIN: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

LUCAS: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

CORBIN: Yeah, I understand.

LUCAS: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

CORBIN: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

LUCAS: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

CORBIN: (on phone) Hi, it's me.

KEKE: Oh, my, god.

ASHLEY: Keke? You called Keke?

CORBIN: Yes, Keke. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

ZAC: You remember Keke, right?

CORBIN: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Keke is my last chance to have somebody.

KEKE: Helloo!!

CORBIN: Oh, my, god!

LUCAS: Geez, look how fat she got.

KEKE: Hey, it's everybody.

CORBIN: Keke, you're--

KEKE: Yes, I am.

CORBIN: Is it--?

KEKE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Corbin Bleu. You are looking at a married lady now.

CORBIN: Congratulations.

KEKE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

CORBIN: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

KEKE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Keke likes to have her fun.

MONIQUE: Hey, Van. You know what we haven't played in a while?

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: Hide the Lamp.

VANESSA: Monique, let it go.

MONIQUE: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

VANESSA: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

ASHLEY: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

ZAC: Ok, Ashley, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

ASHLEY: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

ZAC: It's the only possibility, Ashley.

ASHLEY: Ok, Zac, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

ZAC: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

ASHLEY: I can't believe you caved.

ZAC: What?

ASHLEY: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

VANESSA: I am. Let me just get my coat.

MONIQUE: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

VANESSA: Oh, please, Monique. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

MONIQUE: Ashley, tell her!

ASHLEY: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

VANESSA: Hey Corbin. Monique just broke my seashell lamp.

CORBIN: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

VANESSA: Ok, you win.

MONIQUE: Corbin, you're not gonna die alone.

CORBIN: Keke was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

ASHLEY: Uh huh. Why is that?

CORBIN: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, yknow. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

MONIQUE: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

CORBIN: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

VANESSA: Corbin, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

MONIQUE: You are not a freak. You're a guy.

VANESSA: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

MONIQUE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

CORBIN: In a bad way?

MONIQUE: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

VANESSA: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

ASHLEY: Corbin, you called Keke! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

MONIQUE: You made it!

ASHLEY: You're there!

VANESSA: You are ready to make a commitment!

CORBIN: Whoa! Don't know about that.

VANESSA: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

MONIQUE: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

VANESSA: Thank you.

MONIQUE: That's fine.

CORBIN: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

LUCAS: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

CORBIN: I'll take that.

LUCAS: You want his yearbook?

CORBIN: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

MONIQUE: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Bolton. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.

VANESSA: It's really not that big!

CORBIN: Takin' that with you, huh?

LUCAS: Oh, yeah.

ZAC: You comin'?

CORBIN: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Bolton. We'll try to keep it down.

ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?

CORBIN: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)


	4. Chapter 4

Ashley's husband appears and is played by Kerr Smith (Jack in Dawson's Creek) The good morning refernce near the end is a nod to a behind vid of zac and the cast where Zac sings Good morning from Singin in the rain which is also Zac's fav film

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa is on the phone.

VANESSA: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door It's open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers

STRANGER: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Ashley, does she still live here?

VANESSA: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar

VANESSA: What[in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?

**OPENING TITLES**

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. The whole gang is there.

LUCAS: This is unbelievable Ash, how can you be married?

ASHLEY: Well, I mean, I'm not _married_ married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

MONIQUE: I can't believe you married Kerr. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry Monique but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONIQUE: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

ZAC: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

ASHLEY: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

MONIQUE: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONIQUE: Well, didn't you?

ASHLEY: I might have.

MONIQUE: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

ASHLEY: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

MONIQUE: What have I not told you?

ASHLEY: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

VANESSA: What!

MONIQUE: Wait a minute, who told you[turns to Corbin who's looking sheepish You are dead meat.

CORBIN: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONIQUE: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

ASHLEY: You have a third nipple?

CORBIN: You bitch.

ZAC: Whip it out, whip it out.

CORBIN: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

VANESSA: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

LUCAS: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ZAC: Lucas, what did you think a nubbin was?

LUCAS: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CORBIN: Lucas was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CORBIN: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ZAC: You were in a porno?

LUCAS: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONIQUE: That is wild.

ZAC[to Corbin So what's it shaped like?

ASHLEY: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

LUCAS: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin, Zac, and Olesya are sitting on the couch.

ZAC: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CORBIN: Why yes Zac, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

OLESYA: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CORBIN: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ZAC: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?

VANESSA[to Monique at the counter Ooh, Olesya's so smart, Olesya's so special.

MONIQUE: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Zac as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

VANESSA: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.

[Ashley enters all dressed up

ALL: Woah.

LUCAS: Foxy lady.

OLESYA: Where you goin'?

ASHLEY: Um, I'm gonna go meet Kerr, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.

LUCAS: The Ice Capades?

CORBIN: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

MONIQUE: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.

ASHLEY: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.

ZAC[holding cream pitcher Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Corbin's chest and flips the lid Hey Corbin, would you fill me up here?

CORBIN: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Zac and Olesya are still there. Vanessa is cleaning tables.

ZAC: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

OLESYA: See you later Van.

VANESSA: Bye-bye Olesya. [Olesya leaves

[Vanessa is still cleaning, Zac is laying on the couch. Zac kicks Vanessa in the butt.

VANESSA: Hey.

ZAC: Hey.

[Zac kicks her again

VANESSA: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ZAC: Hey?

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: Can I ask you somethin'?

VANESSA: Sure.

ZAC: Naa.

VANESSA: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ZAC: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

VANESSA: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Olesya not, are, are you and, are you and Olesya not having sex?

ZAC: Technically, huh, no.

VANESSA: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ZAC: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .

VANESSA: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

ZAC: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.

VANESSA: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

ZAC: What?

VANESSA: I think it's sexy.

ZAC: Sexy?

VANESSA: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

ZAC: No kidding?

VANESSA: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ZAC: What?

VANESSA: I'd wait.

ZAC: You'd wait?

VANESSA: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

ZAC: Really?

VANESSA: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

ZAC: Women really want this?

VANESSA: More than jewellery. [Vanessa struts off, extremely pleased with herself

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Kerr's dressing room.

ASHLEY: Hi.

KERR: Ashley!

ASHLEY: Ta-da.

KERR: Hey.

ASHLEY: Hi.

KERR: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

ASHLEY: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

KERR: Thanks.

ASHLEY: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

KERR: You always said I'd make it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

KERR: I missed you. [they hug I'm gonna get changed.

ASHLEY: OK.

KERR: Um, now. Ash.

ASHLEY: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

KERR: What?

ASHLEY: Um, the matador. [Kerr leaves Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Zac's apartment. Zac and Olesya are setting the table.

ZAC: Olesya, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her

[Corbin, Monique, Lucas, and Vanessa enter. Zac and Olesya don't notice.

CORBIN: Uh, Olesya.

OLESYA: Yeah?

CORBIN: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.

ZAC: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ZAC[pulls Vanessa aside I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

VANESSA: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ZAC: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Lucas.

VANESSA: What did, what did he say?

ZAC: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Zac's apartment. After dinner. Corbin enters.

CORBIN: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Lucas's porno movie.

ZAC: Pop it in.

LUCAS: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Corbin puts the tape in

VANESSA: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ZAC: What's wrong with people having sex?

VANESSA: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monique help me out here.

MONIQUE: Hell, I wanna see Lucas.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music

OLESYA: So is there like a story or do they just start doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CORBIN: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

MONIQUE: All I say is, she better get the job.

ZAC: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

LUCAS: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line[Lucas from TV _you know that's bad fo r the paper tray_.

CORBIN: Nice work my friend.

LUCAS: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Kerr's dressing room. Ashley is fixing her hair and Kerr enters.

ASHLEY: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.

KERR: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

ASHLEY: Ohh. . .K. How come?

KERR: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.

ASHLEY: What?

KERR: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

ASHLEY: Huuh.

KERR: Yeah, I know, I.

ASHLEY: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

KERR: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.

ASHLEY: So how long have you known?

KERR: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

ASHLEY: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

KERR: Her name's Katie.

ASHLEY: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

KERR: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

ASHLEY: Sure.

KERR: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

ASHLEY: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

KERR: I'm, I'm still me.

ASHLEY: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Zac's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monique enters from bathroom.

MONIQUE: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

OLESYA: That saves us a conversation.

CORBIN: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.

LUCAS: Me too, we should get goin'.

VANESSA: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

MONIQUE: Vanessa, that's all we do.

VANESSA: Maybe that's all we do, what about Olesya?

OLESYA: What about Olesya?

VANESSA: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Olesya? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.

OLESYA: Well, that could take a while.

VANESSA: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Olesya?

CORBIN: I got the time to get to know Olesya.

LUCAS: I got time.

MONIQUE: Van, I know her pretty well, can I go[Vanessa gives her a look from hell That's fine.

VANESSA: OK Olesya, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?

OLESYA: Well, in a nutshell. . .

VANESSA: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Kerr's dressing room. Ashley is signing the divorce papers.

ASHLEY: So, um, have you told your parents?

KERR: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .

ASHLEY[handing him the papers Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.

KERR: I love you Ashley. [they hug and kiss

ASHLEY: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Zac's apartment. Olesya is telling her live story.

OLESYA: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

VANESSA: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

OLESYA: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

VANESSA: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CORBIN: I'm goin' home.

VANESSA: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Corbin, Lucas, and Monique exit

LUCAS: Boy that Olesya's a talker, huh?

ZAC: Goodnight.

VANESSA: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . .

ZAC: Oh, no no, I am.

VANESSA: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ZAC: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

VANESSA: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

ZAC: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.

VANESSA: OK, gook luck.

ZAC: Wha, uhh, what?

VANESSA: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

ZAC: OK, now I'm nervous.

VANESSA: Maybe you should put it off.

ZAC: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

VANESSA: I know, yeah, sorry.

ZAC: What, it's not your fault.

VANESSA: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ZAC: Really?

VANESSA: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.

ZAC[being drawn in by her talk Uh-huh.

VANESSA: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

ZAC: Ohh. . . Thanks Van, goodnight. [goes back in apartment

VANESSA: Ohh, God.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Zac is dancing along, _Good Morning_ is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.

ZAC: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night.

ZAC: Twice.


	5. Chapter 5

**Monique gets it on with a Jonas brother**

**[Scene: At Corbin and Lucas's. Zac and Corbin are there. Zac is watching wrestling.**

ZAC: Man, I sure miss Olesya.

CORBIN: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Olesya. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. **(phone rings)**

ZAC: You ever figure out what that thing's for?

CORBIN: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.

(MACHINE--LUCAS'S VOICE): Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?

CORBIN: What?

JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.

CORBIN: Bob here.

CORBIN: (on phone) What've you been up to?

JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.

CORBIN: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Zac) I love her.

ZAC: I know.

CORBIN: I'm back.

JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?

CORBIN: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?

JADE: Great, I'll see you then.

CORBIN: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.

ZAC: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob."

CORBIN: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.

ZAC: Oh my god. You are pure evil.

CORBIN: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.

**(At Monique and Vanessa's)**

ZAC: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Olesya in New Mexico.

ALL: Hi, Olesya!

VANESSA: (sarcastically) Hi, Olesya.

CORBIN: Ok, while Zac is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.

ASHLEY: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?

CORBIN: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.

LUCAS: Do we need a cake?

CORBIN: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.

VANESSA: Yeah, whoosh!

CORBIN: But it's Zac.

ASHLEY: It's Zac.

LUCAS: All right.

CORBIN: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.

ZAC: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?

CORBIN: You know, I think I might just.

VANESSA: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?

LUCAS: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Zac's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.

ASHLEY: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?

VANESSA: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Corbin and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?

LUCAS: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.

ASHLEY: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Zac.

LUCAS: For Zac.

VANESSA: For Zac, Zac, Zac.

MONIQUE: (enters) Oh my god.

VANESSA: Hey.

LUCAS: Hi.

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.

LUCAS: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.

MONIQUE: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Zac and Corbin downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.

LUCAS: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Ashley and Vanessa) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? **(at Central Perk)**

ZAC: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.

CORBIN: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.

ZAC: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.

CORBIN: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.

ZAC: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.

CORBIN: All right.

ZAC: Go.

CORBIN: Hi.

JADE: Hi.

CORBIN: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.

JADE: Yes?

CORBIN: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.

JADE: How did you--?

CORBIN: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?

JADE: Thanks.

CORBIN: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.

**(At Somplace Nice)**

ZAC: Ok, ok, here is to my step sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef--

MONIQUE: Who is also in charge of purchasing.

ZAC: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing--

MONIQUE: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.

ZAC: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little step sister--

MONIQUE: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!

LUCAS: Cool.

ASHLEY: Let's see!

ZAC: That's fine, I'll just wait!

MONIQUE: Oh, sorry.

LUCAS: Sorry, sorry.

ZAC: Monique!

(glasses clinking)

WAITER: Are we ready to order?

VANESSA: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.

WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.

ASHLEY: Wow, look at these prices.

VANESSA: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.

LUCAS: What are these, like famous chickens?

CORBIN: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Momo. (to Zac) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?

ZAC: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Corbin, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

CORBIN: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.

ZAC: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?

WAITER: Do I dare ask?

MONIQUE: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.

ZAC: That sounds great. Same for me.

WAITER: And for the gentleman?

LUCAS: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?

WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?

VANESSA: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.

WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?

VANESSA: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

WAITER: And for you?

ASHLEY: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.

CORBIN: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.

WAITER: Anything else?

CORBIN: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?

ZAC: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.

VANESSA: Um, everyone?

ZAC: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.

LUCAS: Thank you.

ZAC: Monique's big night, she shouldn't pay.

MONIQUE: Oh, thank you!

ZAC: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.

ASHLEY: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.

CORBIN: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, Monique, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Vanessa just had that, that, that salad, and, and Lucas with his like teeny pizza! It's just...

ZAC: Ok, Ash! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.

ASHLEY: Not for you.

MONIQUE: All right, what's goin' on?

VANESSA: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.

ASHLEY: Fine. All right, fine.

LUCAS: Yeah.

CORBIN: You can tell us.

ZAC: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.

LUCAS: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you.

MONIQUE: Ok.

ZAC: I hear ya.

CORBIN: We can talk about that.

ASHLEY: Well, then...Let's.

ZAC: I, I just never think of money as an issue.

VANESSA: That's 'cause you have it.

ZAC: That's a good point.

CORBIN: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?

LUCAS: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monique's new job, or the whole Zac's birthday hoopla.

ZAC: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be a hoopla?

VANESSA: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.

MONIQUE: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.

ZAC: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?

CORBIN: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see the Jonas Brothers.

ZAC: The Jonas--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.

ASHLEY: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.

ZAC: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.

MONIQUE: All of us.

CORBIN: Together.

ZAC: Not at the concert.

VANESSA: Ok.

LUCAS: Yeah.

VANESSA: Thank you.

LUCAS: Thanks.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

CORBIN: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?

**(at Monique and Vanessa's)**

CORBIN: Gee, Monique, what's in the bag?

MONIQUE: I don't know, Corbin. Let's take a look.

ASHLEY: Oh, it's like a skit.

MONIQUE: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Ashley.

ZAC: Whoo!

ASHLEY: Cool.

MONIQUE: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.

ZAC: But wait, there's more. Hey, Corbin, what is in the envelope?

CORBIN: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.

ZAC: Come on.

CORBIN: Why, it's six tickets to The Jonas Brothers! The Jonas Brothers!

MONIQUE: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.

ASHLEY: So...Thank you.

ZAC: Could you be less enthused?

LUCAS: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like--

MONIQUE: Like?

LUCAS: Charity.

MONIQUE: Charity?

ZAC: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.

VANESSA: Zac, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big.

ASHLEY: Actually, it makes us feel that big.

ZAC: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.

CORBIN: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.

LUCAS: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.

VANESSA: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.

ASHLEY: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Jonas place right now.

VANESSA: Me neither.

LUCAS: Me too.

MONIQUE: Guys, we bought the tickets.

ASHLEY: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

CORBIN: Why did you look at me when you said that?

MONIQUE: Well, I guess now we can't go.

VANESSA: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together?

MONIQUE: You know what? You're right.

ASHLEY: Fine.

ZAC: Fine.

LUCAS: Fine.

CORBIN: Fine.

VANESSA: Fine.

MONIQUE: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.

ZAC: Corbin!

CORBIN: Yeah?

ZAC: Geez! Are you ready?

CORBIN: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.

ZAC: Whoa! You had sex today?

CORBIN: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.

ZAC: Wow.

CORBIN: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.

(phone rings)

ZAC: Still doing the screening thing?

CORBIN: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.

MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.

CORBIN: Bob here.

JADE: Oh, hi.

CORBIN: So, uh, you met someone, huh?

JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago.

CORBIN: So, uh, how was he?

JADE: Eh.

CORBIN: Eh?

JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.

CORBIN: Well, that makes me feel so good.

JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.

ZAC: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?

CORBIN: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.

JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?

**(at the concert)**

MONIQUE: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.

ZAC: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.

CORBIN: So, let's go.

ZAC: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.

CORBIN: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.

MONIQUE: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.

**(at Monique and Vanessa's)**

LUCAS: Come on you guys, one more time.

ASHLEY: Ok. One.

LUCAS: Nooo.

MONIQUE: That was amazing!

ZAC: Excellent, that was excellent.

CORBIN: I can't believe the guys missed this.

ZAC: What guys? Oh, yeah.

STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monique Coleman aren't you?

MONIQUE: Do I know you?

STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.

MONIQUE: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?

STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.

MONIQUE: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.

STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.

MONIQUE: Uh, wait, backstage?

STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.

ZAC: Zac.

CORBIN: Corbin.

STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?

**(at Central Perk)**

ZAC: Hey, you guys.

VANESSA: Happy birthday.

ZAC: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?

VANESSA: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?

MONIQUE: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?

VANESSA: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?

MONIQUE: Uh, good.

ZAC: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.

CORBIN: Yeah, we really missed you guys.

LUCAS: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid.

ASHLEY: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?

MONIQUE: No, I just, I fell down.

VANESSA: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?

MONIQUE: You know, a party, or--

VANESSA: What party?

ZAC: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.

LUCAS: You partied with The Jonas Brothers?

CORBIN: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.

VANESSA: Who gave you that hickey?

MONIQUE: That would be the work of a Jonas Brother.

VANESSA: Oh!

ASHLEY: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Lucas's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Jonas brother, suck on my neck".

ZAC: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.

VANESSA: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?

(Monique's pager goes off)

MONIQUE: It's work.

CORBIN: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.

LUCAS: And we don't work hard?

MONIQUE: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monique. I just got a page.

CORBIN: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.

LUCAS: And you feel like we hold you back.

CORBIN: Yes.

VANESSA: Oh!

CORBIN: No.

MONIQUE: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.

ASHLEY: Oh.

(Everyone goes over to comfort Monique)

WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.

LUCAS: Let me get that. (to Corbin) You got five bucks?

MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.

JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...

(Lucas lunges for phone and misses.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Special appearance from one of my favourite artists Michelle Branch**

**[Scene: At Monique and Vanessa's.**

MONIQUE: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying?

ZAC: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

MONIQUE: Maye it's me.

ZAC: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

CORBIN: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

ZAC: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monique)

MONIQUE: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

CORBIN: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monique, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)

LUCAS: Cool.

MONIQUE: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

ZAC: Come on, don't do this.

MONIQUE: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

CORBIN: Monique, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Lucas, she does not look fat.

(Corbin has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monique)

LUCAS: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!

MONIQUE: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window)

LUCAS: Are you ok, Zac?

ZAC: I don't know. What's in this pie?

MONIQUE: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi--

ZAC: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.

MONIQUE: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

ZAC: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

MONIQUE: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.

ZAC: Ugh.

MONIQUE: Oh my god.

ZAC: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

MONIQUE: Is your tongue swelling up?

ZAC: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

MONIQUE: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital.

LUCAS: Is he gonna be ok?

MONIQUE: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

ZAC: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

MONIQUE: Jacket now.

ZAC: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

CORBIN: We'll watch him.

ZAC: I don't think tho.

LUCAS: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?

CORBIN: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

ZAC: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.

LUCAS: Hat, milk, got it.

ZAC??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a thro thro!

LUCAS: Consider it done.

CORBIN: You understood that?

LUCAS: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

CORBIN: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

**(Central Perk)**

ASHLEY: Hey Van, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

VANESSA: Ok.

ASHLEY: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Vanessa, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

VANESSA: What's up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Michelle... something. She's supposed to be very good.

VANESSA: But what about Ashley?

TERRY: Vanessa, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

VANESSA: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

TERRY: Uh--

VANESSA: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

ASHLEY: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.

**(Corbin and Lucas are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)**

CORBIN: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

LUCAS: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

CORBIN: No, I got him.

LUCAS: No, seriously.

CORBIN: Oh, seriously you want him?

CAROLINE: Hello.

BOYS: Hello.

CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CORBIN: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

LUCAS: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

LUCAS: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

LUCAS: (to Corbin) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

CORBIN: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

**(Central Perk)**

ASHLEY: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

VANESSA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ASHLEY: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

VANESSA: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.

ASHLEY: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.

VANESSA: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Michelle whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything. br

TERRY: I, I don't know.

VANESSA: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

VANESSA: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

VANESSA: Done.

ASHLEY: Really?

VANESSA: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

ASHLEY: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

VANESSA: What?

ASHLEY: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

VANESSA: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

ASHLEY: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

VANESSA: Well, but Ash.

ASHLEY: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la...

ZAC: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.

MONIQUE: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My step brother has a slight phobia about needles.

ZAC: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

MONIQUE: My step brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.

DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

ZAC: Tho?

(Monique shakes her head.)

ZAC: Ohhh.

MONIQUE: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

ZAC: Ok.

MONIQUE: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Zac, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Zac! Let go of my hand!

CORBIN: That's a good plan, Luc. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

LUCAS: Hey, hey, look at that talent.

CORBIN: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

CORBIN: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.

GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today?

LUCAS: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.

CORBIN: You done?

LUCAS: Yeah.

GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.

LUCAS: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

LUCAS: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

CORBIN: You know it?

LUCAS: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?

CORBIN: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

GIRL 2: Where's your baby?

CORBIN AND LUCAS: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

CORBIN: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.

BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

MONIQUE: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts.

DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.

ZAC: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.

ASHLEY: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

MICHELLE: Yeah. I'm Michelle.

ASHLEY: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

MICHELLE: All of them.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, so you know D?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Ok, do you know A minor?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

MICHELLE: No.

ASHLEY: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Michelle knows all the chords. (makes a face)

CORBIN: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.

LUCAS: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.

VANESSA: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to--

ASHLEY: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

VANESSA: Uh, to Michelle Branch.

MICHELLE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Goodbye to you.

ASHLEY: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

CORBIN AND LUCAS: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Corbin and Lucas hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.

CORBIN: That's me.

LUCAS: I'm him.

CORBIN: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Lucas)

BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

CORBIN: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

LUCAS: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

CORBIN: Ok.

LUCAS: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

CORBIN: Yeah?

LUCAS: Yeah.

CORBIN: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

LUCAS: Ahh!

CORBIN: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

LUCAS: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CORBIN: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

LUCAS: You got a better idea?

CORBIN: All right, call it in the air.

LUCAS: Heads.

CORBIN: Heads it is.

LUCAS: Yes! Whew!

CORBIN: We have to assign heads to something.

LUCAS: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

CORBIN: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

**(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)**

VANESSA: Hey.

ASHLEY: Oh, hi.

VANESSA: Here. I thought you might be cold.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

VANESSA: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

ASHLEY: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

VANESSA: Do you?

ASHLEY: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

VANESSA: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!

ASHLEY: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

VANESSA: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".

ASHLEY: Really? From who?

VANESSA: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Here you go.

KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

**(chez Monique and Vanessa)**

ZAC: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

MONIQUE: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

ZAC: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

MONIQUE: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?

ZAC: Oh.

MONIQUE: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

ZAC: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

MONIQUE: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

ZAC: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONIQUE: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ZAC: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONIQUE: That was you?

ZAC: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

MONIQUE: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.

CORBIN: (looking fearfully at Lucas) Hey, he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

LUCAS: Yes! There's still pie.

ZAC: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Lucas and Uncle Corbin today?

LUCAS: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

ZAC: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

CORBIN: You, you are gonna love this.

ZAC: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.

CORBIN: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Lucas, Run!

MICHELLE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

ASHLEY: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat".

MICHELLE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

ASHLEY: Better. Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yeah?

ASHLEY: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

ASHLEY: You wanna try it again?

MICHELLE: Yeah. From the top?

ASHLEY: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?

MICHELLE: Ok.

ASHLEY: Mmmm hmmm.

TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

ASHLEY: That's too much. Sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

Zanessa kiss! yay

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Corbin enters.

CORBIN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?

VANESSA: So, how was the party?

CORBIN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed **through** me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?

ASHLEY: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.

CORBIN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?

ASHLEY: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.

MONIQUE: Corbin, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.

CORBIN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.

MONIQUE: Please.

ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.

CORBIN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.

ASHLEY: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Corbin but holds her hands apart behind his back Oh, can't make... hands... meet...

**OPENING TITLES**

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Corbin comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monique is there.

CORBIN: OK, let's do it. [Monique looks at him funny What?

MONIQUE: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.

CORBIN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment

[Cut to the city street. Monique and Corbin are jogging. Corbin is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monique behind

[Scene: Back in Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is doing situps.

MONIQUE: C'mon give me five more. Five more.

CORBIN[weakly No.

MONIQUE: Five more and I'll flash you.

CORBIN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Lucas are sitting on the couch. Vanessa is working.

CORBIN[slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Lucas intercepts the cup and puts it down for him. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.

[Ashley enters.

VANESSA: Hey Ash, how'd it go with Scott last night?

ASHLEY: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

LUCAS: The guy still won't put out, huh?

ASHLEY: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Ash.

ASHLEY: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?

LUCAS: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

ASHLEY: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

LUCAS: Maybe he's. . . gay.

ASHLEY: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.

VANESSA: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?

ASHLEY: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

[Monique enters.

MONIQUE[to Corbin Yo, Bleu. Racquetball in 15 minutes.

CORBIN: Lucas, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

ASHLEY[seeing Zac kissing Olesya outside the window Ooh, oh, Vanessa, don't look.

VANESSA: What[looks, feigns indifference C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.

LUCAS: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

VANESSA: Yeah, Monique's settin' me up.

LUCAS: But uh, uh, what about uh, Zac and uh. . .?

VANESSA: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.

CORBIN: So you really OK about all this?

VANESSA: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

[Zac and Olesya enter.

ZAC: Hi guys.

ALL: Hey.

ZAC: Oh, Monique, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?

MONIQUE: Only if you say his full name.

ZAC[reluctantly Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.

MONIQUE: Alright.

LUCAS[to Zac You're getting a cat?

ZAC: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

VANESSA: Together?

ZAC: Uh huh.

VANESSA: Both of you?

ZAC: Yep.

VANESSA: Together.

OLESYA: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Zac half the time, and with me half the time.

VANESSA: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

ZAC: Hopefully.

VANESSA: Well. [looks at watch Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Vanessa is on her date with Michael (MICH).

MICH: I don't know if Monique told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

VANESSA[distracted How long do cats live?

MICH[confused I'm sorry?

VANESSA: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?

MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

VANESSA: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking

MICH: Um, cheers.

VANESSA: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass

MICH: Monique told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?

VANESSA: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

VANESSA: I mean he just started going out with her.

MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

VANESSA: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.

MICH: Alright.

VANESSA: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk. Ashley and Lucas are sitting on the couch.

ASHLEY: So, I figured it out.

LUCAS: What?

ASHLEY: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.

LUCAS: Ashley, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Corbin? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."

ASHLEY: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.

LUCAS: Ash look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.

ASHLEY: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug

[Outside the window, Monique and Corbin jog up. Monique playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monique pushes him down. Corbin stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Vanessa pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.

VANESSA[obviously drunk I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a **cat**. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something[belligerently What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?

MICH: Fruitflies?

VANESSA: Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

VANESSA: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie _Diner_ in my head.

VANESSA: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Zac and his cat and his... Olesya. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.

VANESSA: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."

VANESSA: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair

GUY: Hang on.

VANESSA: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

VANESSA: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

GUY: I'm talkin'!

VANESSA: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.

GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her

VANESSA: Thank you. OK. [dials [to Michael Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

MICH: Good.

VANESSA[on phone Zac, hi, it's Vanessa. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket

Commercial 

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is answering the door in his robe.

CORBIN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monique No. Monique, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.

MONIQUE: Why not?

CORBIN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

MONIQUE: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.

CORBIN: OK, stop.

MONIQUE: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Corbin walks out of the apartment, leaving Monique Woo.

[Scene: Vanessa and Monique's apartment. Vanessa is taking asprin. Zac enters.

ZAC: Hey Van.

VANESSA: Ahhhh.

ZAC: Oh. And how was the date?

VANESSA: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .

[Vanessa looks at Zac as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.

ZAC: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Olesya's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monique say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?

VANESSA: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.

ZAC: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy

VANESSA: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?

ZAC: No, I stayed at Olesya's last night.

VANESSA: Huh.

ZAC: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

VANESSA: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Vanessa walks in her room. Zac picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.

ZAC: Van, I got a message from you. [pauses Who's Michael?

[Vanessa comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.

VANESSA: Oh my God. Oh my God Zac, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Zac, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Zac's back, finally getting the phone from him. Zac has a confused expression on his face.

ZAC: You're over me?

VANESSA: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back

ZAC: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

VANESSA: Ohh, ohh.

ZAC: When, when were you... under me? Van. Vanessa do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

VANESSA: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

ZAC: You've had feelings for me?

VANESSA: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.

ZAC: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?

VANESSA: Corbin told me.

ZAC: Corbin. When did he... when did he... when did he?

VANESSA: When you were in Russia.

ZAC: Russia.

VANESSA: Meeting Olesya.

ZAC: Olesya. Olesya. That. Oh God. Olesya, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?

VANESSA: Are you over me?

[A moment of silence.

ZAC[doorbell buzzes That's, that's Olesya. Ole... Olesya, Olesya. [talks on intercom Hi Olesya.

OLESYA[over intercom Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.

ZAC[perky I'll be right down.

VANESSA: Wait, so, you're going?

ZAC: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.

VANESSA: OK, OK.

ZAC: Cat. [leaves

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Lucas is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Ashley enters.

ASHLEY: Hey Lucas.

LUCAS: Hey Ash.

ASHLEY: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

LUCAS: I can't find the remote. [Ashley turns off the TV Thank you.

ASHLEY: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

LUCAS: And?

ASHLEY: And we did.

LUCAS: All right Ash, way to go.

ASHLEY: Yay me.

LUCAS: So, so how did it happen?

ASHLEY: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

LUCAS: And what did he say?

ASHLEY: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

LUCAS: Wow.

ASHLEY: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

LUCAS: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

ASHLEY: Um-hum.

LUCAS: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk. Vanessa is closing up and Zac comes in. Get your Kleenex.

VANESSA: Hi.

ZAC: I didn't get a cat.

VANESSA: Oh, that's um, interesting.

ZAC: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.

VANESSA: Alright, I got it Zac.

ZAC: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

VANESSA[hurt What?

ZAC: I was doing great with Olesya before I found out about you.

VANESSA: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Olesya?

ZAC: Then you should have said something before I met her.

VANESSA: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

ZAC: There was never a good time.

VANESSA: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

ZAC: Not, not, not **every night**. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Vanessa, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Spanish guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Spanish guys.

VANESSA: Hey, there was one Spanish guy, OK, and do you even have a point?

ZAC: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

VANESSA: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

ZAC: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

VANESSA: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Zac.

ZAC: Fine.

VANESSA: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

ZAC: Good.

VANESSA: Good. [Zac leaves

[Vanessa gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.

VANESSA: And ya know what, now I've got closure.

[Vanessa slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Zac comes back and is standing outside the window. When Vanessa regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.

ZAC: Try the bottom one.

[She opens the door and they kiss.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin answers the door to find Monique.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

CORBIN: Monique, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.

MONIQUE: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.

CORBIN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.

MONIQUE: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?

CORBIN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.

MONIQUE: Well, thanks.

CORBIN: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

MONIQUE: Well, you know.

CORBIN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.

MONIQUE[sad Uh-huh.

CORBIN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.

MONIQUE: Well no, but um.

CORBIN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

MONIQUE: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .

CORBIN: So, you feel like goin' for a run?

MONIQUE: Alright.

CORBIN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.

MONIQUE: OK. Just for a little while.

CORBIN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room


	8. Chapter 8

What will happen between zac and vanessa now?

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Ashley, Monique, and Vanessa are there, discussing the night before.

VANESSA: Zac kissed me.

MONIQUE: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

VANESSA: It was unbelievable!

MONIQUE: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

ASHLEY: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monique, get the wine and unplug the phone. Vanessa, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

VANESSA: Oh, it ended very well.

ASHLEY: Oh.

MONIQUE[getting the wine Do not start without me. Do not start without me.

ASHLEY: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

VANESSA: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

ASHLEY: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

VANESSA: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.

ASHLEY/MONIQUE: Ohhhh.

[Scene: Zac's apartment. Zac, Corbin, and Lucas are there eating pizza.

ZAC: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

LUCAS: Tongue?

ZAC: Yeah.

LUCAS: Cool.

Opening Credits 

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Lucas, Ashley, Monique, and Corbin are there; Corbin is showing everyone his new computer.

CORBIN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

ASHLEY: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CORBIN[doggedly Games and stuff.

MONIQUE[reading the paper There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

LUCAS[reading over her shoulder Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MONIQUE: There's an ad for a naked chef?

LUCAS: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together

[Zac enters, distraught.

ZAC: Hi.

ASHLEY: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?

ZAC: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful

MONIQUE: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ZAC: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Olesya's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Olesya, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

LUCAS: You got all that from saline solution?

MONIQUE: We are talking about Vanessa here. You and Vanessa.

ZAC: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Vanessa for ten years now. But now, I'm with Olesya, so it's like me and Olesya, me and Vanessa, me and Olesya, me and... [Vanessa enters, carrying a tray... Vanessa. Vanessa, Vanessa.

VANESSA[to Zac Hey, you.

ZAC: How are you?

VANESSA: Good. How are you?

ZAC: Good.

[Olesya enters.

OLESYA: Hi, honey.

ZAC: Hi, Olesya. [nervous Hi, Olesya. Olesya, um, how are you?

OLESYA: Good.

ZAC[uncomfortable Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Ashley?

ASHLEY: Oh, well, actually.

ZAC[impatient Play it.

ASHLEY: Ok, all right.

LUCAS: Hey, Olesya, I didn't know you wore lenses.

OLESYA: What?

ZAC[to Lucas Ssshh.

ASHLEY: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".

[Zac and Vanessa look at each other and then at Ashley, realizing the song is about their situation.

ASHLEY[singing There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ole...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monique is there about a job.

RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. _Muy impressivo._

MONIQUE: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.

RTST: Mockolate.

MONIQUE: I'm sorry?

RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MONIQUE: Ohh.

[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.

RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

MONIQUE: All right. Mmm-mmm.

[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.

RTST: Yeah?

MONIQUE[disgusted, trying not to show it I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.

RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.

MONIQUE[still chewing Mmm-mmm.

RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

MONIQUE: Wow.

RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?

MONIQUE: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?

MONIQUE[with false enthusiasm Mmm.

RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?

MONIQUE: Abso...[swallows hard...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.

RTST: Really?

MONIQUE: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Ashley are there. Monique is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Ashley.

MONIQUE: How about Mockolate mousse?

ASHLEY: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.

MONIQUE: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

ASHLEY: What makes it pilgrim?

MONIQUE: We'll put buckles on it.

[Vanessa enters.

VANESSA: Hey.

ASHLEY: Hey.

MONIQUE: Hey.

VANESSA: Did uh, Zac call?

MONIQUE: No, I'm sorry.

VANESSA: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Olesya, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Olesya, Zac picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."

ASHLEY: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Zac is up in arms about the Vanessa/Olesya situation.

ZAC: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CORBIN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

LUCAS: Hey, here's a thought, Zac. [reaches for the computer

CORBIN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.

LUCAS: Zac, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

[Zac gives him an insulted look.

CORBIN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Vanessa and Olesya, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ZAC: Can't we just use a pen?

CORBIN: No, Amish boy.

LUCAS: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Vanessa first.

ZAC: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

LUCAS: You could say that.

ZAC: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Olesya and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Vanessa's just a waitress.

CORBIN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ZAC: I don't know.

LUCAS: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CORBIN: Ok, let's do Olesya. What's wrong with her?

ZAC[long pause She's not Vanessa.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique has made food for Ashley and Vanessa to taste.

MONIQUE: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

[Vanessa takes a bite.

VANESSA: Oh my god.

MONIQUE: Oh my god good?

VANESSA: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

[Vanessa runs to the sink to spit it out.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is on the phone with a computer hotline.

CORBIN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Will & Grace?

[Zac enters with a melancholy look.

LUCAS[to Zac Hey, so how'd it go with Olesya? Did you, did you break her heart?

ZAC: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.

CORBIN[in phone So, Grace actually marries that guy?

[Vanessa enters.

VANESSA: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Zac, pauses...hi.

ZAC: Hi.

VANESSA[sees his coat on Where you goin'?

ZAC: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Olesya's.

VANESSA[dejected Oh.

ZAC: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.

VANESSA: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?

[Lucas is looking at Vanessa, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Zac.

ZAC: Well, uh.

LUCAS: He broke up with Olesya. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.

VANESSA: Really?

ZAC: Really. It's always been you, Van.

[Zac and Vanessa hug.

VANESSA: Oh, god.

LUCAS/CORBIN: Ohhh.

VANESSA: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.

ZAC: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Corbin and Lucas What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?

VANESSA: Let me get my coat.

ZAC: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.

[Zac leaves.

VANESSA: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Corbin's computer screen What's that?

CORBIN[nervous What? Nothing.

[Corbin closes up the laptop computer screen.

VANESSA: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?

CORBIN: No, no, see? See[the printer starts to run Hey, it's printing. [to Lucas, rattled Hey, it's printing!

[Corbin rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.

VANESSA: Well what is it? Let me see.

[Zac walks back in, Vanessa's coat in hand.

ZAC: Hey, someone order a coat?

VANESSA: Zac, Corbin wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.

ZAC: He won't[remembers what it is He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?

CORBIN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.

VANESSA: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.

CORBIN, LUCAS, ZAC: No!

VANESSA: Come on.

LUCAS: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?

[Zac and Corbin stare angrily at Lucas, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.

CORBIN[through gritted teeth Alright. [clears his throat "It was summer, and it was hot. Vanessa was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."

ZAC: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.

VANESSA: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.

ZAC: No, you don't.

VANESSA: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Vanessa grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.

VANESSA: What is this? Zac, what is this?

CORBIN: Good luck.

[Corbin and Lucas leave quickly.

ZAC: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

VANESSA: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ZAC: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.

VANESSA: Just a waitress?

ZAC: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Vanessa?

VANESSA: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

[Vanessa leaves, and Zac follows her into the hall.

ZAC: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Olesya's column.

VANESSA: She is not _Vane_. What the hell's a Vane? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.

ZAC: No, Van, come on. Van! Van, no, no! She's not Vanessa, she is, she is not, Va--Vanessa?

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Corbin, Monique, Lucas, and Ashley are there.

CORBIN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MONIQUE: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

ASHLEY: I... I cannot believe Zac even made this list. What a dinkus.

LUCAS: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Corbin's idea.

ASHLEY: What?

MONIQUE: What?

CORBIN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MONIQUE: This was your idea?

ASHLEY: What were you thinking?

CORBIN[squirming All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MONIQUE: Yeah. You!

CORBIN: All right, Ash, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

ASHLEY: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Zac climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.

ZAC: Van! Whoops! Van, hey, open up, please!

VANESSA[coldly When somebody does not buzz you in, Zac, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.

ZAC: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.

VANESSA: Not interested.

[Vanesaa closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.

ZAC[reading his list Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.

[Monique, Corbin, Lucas, and Ashley enter, confused.

ZAC: Number six: the way you smell.

LUCAS[opens the drapes Hey, Zac! What are you doin'?

ZAC: Hey, Lucas. You wanna open the window?

LUCAS: Oh, yeah, I do.

[He opens the window, Zac comes in, soaked.

CORBIN: What are you doing out there?

ZAC: I am, uh, I am...

MONIQUE: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

[Zac runs to Vanessa's bedroom, knocking on the door.

ZAC: Van, come on, open up. Van, come on, come on, Van. You got to give me another chance.

[Vanessa opens the door.

VANESSA: No.

ZAC: No?

VANESSA: That's what I said.

CORBIN: Look, maybe we should go?

VANESSA: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.

ZAC: Van, come on, look, I know how you must feel.

VANESSA[near tears No, you don't, Zac. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ZAC: No, but, but I wanna be with you in **spite** of all those things.

VANESSA: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Zac. [to the others I said don't go!

ZAC: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

VANESSA: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

[She closes the door in his face. Zac walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.

LUCAS[quietly I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know[Zac stares blankly at him Maybe a little longer.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monique is there.

MONIQUE: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

RTST: Doesn't matter.

MONIQUE: What?

RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MONIQUE: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MONIQUE: Well, uh, I ate some.

RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Vanessa are there.

(phone rings)

MONIQUE: Hello?

[Zac is at his apartment.

ZAC: Hi.

VANESSA[to Monique Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.

MONIQUE[to Zac Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.

ZAC: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MONIQUE: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone [to Vanessa Music?

[Monique turns on the radio.

RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Vanessa from Zac. Vanessa, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (_Walk away _plays)

[Vanessa seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Zac at his apartment.

RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Vanessa, and she told us what Zac did. It's pretty appalling, and Zac, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monique is there.

RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MONIQUE: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?

MONIQUE: Cat hair.

RTST: Oh, sorry.


	9. Chapter 9

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique, Vanessa, Zac, and Ashley are there. Ashley is looking out the window.

ASHLEY: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

[Corbin and Lucas enter.

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?

CORBIN: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.

MONIQUE: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.

CORBIN: And twenty-five it is.

LUCAS: You gave him cookies?

MONIQUE: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that. 

ASHLEY: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

CORBIN: Ash, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

ASHLEY: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.

ZAC: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?

VANESSA: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There's a bang at the door.

MONIQUE: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Lucas opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.

LUCAS: Oh my God.

VANESSA: What?

LUCAS: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

[Lucas shows them the torn-up newspaper.

VANESSA: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONIQUE: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.

ZAC: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Monique, Corbin, and Lucas are seated at couches. Vanessa is working behind the counter.

LUCAS: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.

CORBIN: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

[Zac enters with several bags from shopping.

ZAC: Hey guys.

CORBIN, MONIQUE, and LUCAS: Hey.

[Zac approaches Vanessa at counter.

ZAC: Hey Van. I, uh, got you a little present. [Vanessa is not impressed. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings _Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's_. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .

VANESSA: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?

ZAC: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'[Vanessa walks off Hey Drake, you got stairs in your place?

DRAKE: Yeah.

ZAC: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches

ZAC: Hey guys.

CORBIN, MONIQUE, and LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: What's in the bag?

ZAC: Um, just some presents.

LUCAS: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.

ZAC[childishly OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.

MONIQUE: Cute.

ZAC: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Shelley and Kay. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.

[Zac holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.

MONIQUE: Zac, that is gorgeous!

ZAC: Yeah?

MONIQUE: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.

[Ashley enters.

ASHLEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Ashley.

ASHLEY: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Zac's picture frame Oh my God, where did you get this?

ZAC: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.

ASHLEY: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.

CORBIN: Nah, Ash, that's the guy that comes in the frame.

ASHLEY: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.

VANESSA: Ashley, I thought your dad was in prison.

ASHLEY: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.

VANESSA: How have you never been on Oprah?

ASHLEY[showing her pictures OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.

MONIQUE: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.

ASHLEY: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave

MONIQUE: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Ash. [Ashley leaves

MONIQUE: Wow.

LUCAS: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Lucas!

LUCAS: Oh, but when Ashley has a problem, everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Ashley's grandmother's place. Ashley's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name Gone.

[Ashley enters.

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Ash.

ASHLEY: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

ASHLEY: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER[nervously Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

ASHLEY: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.

ASHLEY: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.

ASHLEY: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

ASHLEY: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.

ASHLEY: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

ASHLEY: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

ASHLEY: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

ASHLEY[realizes Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out This is the real him.

ASHLEY: Oh.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa, Corbin, and Lucas are decorating the Christmas tree.

CORBIN: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

VANESSA: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

CORBIN: Who said anything about Christmas?

[Monique and Zac enter.

MONIQUE: Hi.

ZAC: Hey, anyone hear from Ashley yet?

VANESSA: No, nothin'.

MONIQUE: I hope she's OK.

LUCAS: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.

MONIQUE: How do you know exactly what she's going through?

LUCAS: She told us.

CORBIN: So whaddya got there Monique?

MONIQUE: Just some stuff for the party.

ZAC: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONIQUE: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?

CORBIN: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?

VANESSA: Oh, by the way Momo, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box

MONIQUE: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

LUCAS: Monique, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Zac approaches Vanessa, away from everyone else.

ZAC: Hey, Van, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.

VANESSA: Wha... forget it Zac, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ZAC: C'mon Vanessa.

VANESSA: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

ZAC: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

VANESSA: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Zac. [she walks off and Zac puts his hand to his hair

[Scene: Back at Ashley's. She is on the phone

ASHLEY: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Mike Tisdale. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up

[Ashley's grandmother enters

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

ASHLEY: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Ash, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?

ASHLEY: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

ASHLEY: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.

ASHLEY: Whattaya mean?

GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

ASHLEY: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.

ASHLEY: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa[blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein

Commercial 

[Scene: Corbin is standing on a street corner waiting for Ashley in the cab. Lucas walks up.

LUCAS: Ashley here with the cab yet?

CORBIN: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.

LUCAS: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.

CORBIN: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Ashley's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.

[Ashley drives up in the cab

LUCAS: Hey, here she comes.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

[Ashley runs over the curb. Lucas gets in the back seat, Corbin in the front

ASHLEY: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

ASHLEY: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CORBIN: Eeeshk.

LUCAS: Yeah, big stuff.

ASHLEY: OK, let's go.

CORBIN: OK.

ASHLEY: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Corbin a piece of paper

CORBIN: OK. [reads paper Brake left, gas right? (In the style of Get your head in the game)

ASHLEY: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CORBIN[grabs for seat belt Where's my seat belt?

ASHLEY: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Corbin jumps out of the car

CORBIN[Corbin gets in the back seat Hey!

LUCAS: Hey. [Ashley takes off, Lucas and Corbin are thrown back in the seat

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique is preparing for the party with Zac questioning her.

ZAC: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONIQUE: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.

[Vanessa enters from her room

VANESSA: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.

MONIQUE: Van, get the heat. [Vanessa holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish Zac, could you turn the heat down please?

ZAC: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONIQUE: Zac, the heat!

ZAC: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob off.

VANESSA: Did you just break the radiator?

ZAC: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONIQUE: Well put it back.

ZAC: It uhh, it won't go back.

VANESSA: I'll call the super.

MONIQUE: Here, let me try.

ZAC: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONIQUE: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

VANESSA[on phone Hi, Mr. Ortega. Hi, it's Vanessa Hudgens from upstairs. Yes, _somebody_, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ZAC: OK, tip the man.

MONIQUE: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.

ZAC: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Ashley's dad's house. The cab pulls up.

ASHLEY: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Lucas and Corbin are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab

CORBIN: Oh, so that's what this is for.

ASHLEY: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CORBIN: Yeah.

LUCAS: Sure is.

ASHLEY: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.

CORBIN: Alright.

LUCAS: Good luck Ash.

ASHLEY: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.

VANESSA[answers door Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ZAC[sitting at table talking to a girl It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONIQUE[carrying an ice cube tray Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.

ZAC: Monique, Monique, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.

MONIQUE: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it

VANESSA[answering the door Mr. Ortega.

MR. ORTEGA: Uhh, you said there was a party.

VANESSA: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.

MR. ORTEGA: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!

[Zac is speaking to Monique and Vanessa about tipping the super.

ZAC: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monique give him cash, Vanessa give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.

MONIQUE: No, I will not cave.

VANESSA: Yeah, I'm with Momo.

ZAC: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Ortega Mr. Ortega, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.

MR. ORTEGA: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.

ZAC: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?

MR. ORTEGA: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.

MONIQUE: Zac.

ZAC: Yeah.

MONIQUE[to Zac Looks like he's playin' baseball.

ZAC: You mean hardball?

MONIQUE: Whatever.

VANESSA: What'cha gonna' do?

ZAC: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Ortega, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?

MR. ORTEGA: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONIQUE: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?

MR. ORTEGA: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.

VANESSA: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. ORTEGA[to Vanessa who is standing under mistletoe So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

VANESSA: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.

MR. ORTEGA: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.

VANESSA: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.

[Scene: Outside Ashley's dad's house. Ashley is running back to the cab.

ASHLEY: OK.

LUCAS: How far'd ya get?

ASHLEY: Mailbox.

CORBIN: Alright, we're gettin' closer.

ASHLEY: Uh-huh.

LUCAS: Ash, what's goin' on?

ASHLEY: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .

LUCAS: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.

ASHLEY: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Mikes daughter.

CORBIN: Well, so why not go knock?

ASHLEY: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

LUCAS: Ash, that's OK. You took a big step today.

ASHLEY: Yeah?

CORBIN: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

LUCAS: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.

ASHLEY: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.

CORBIN: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.

LUCAS: Uh, listen Ash, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Zac, Monique, and Vanessa are sitting around after the party. Corbin, Lucas, and Ashley enter.

CORBIN: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!

LUCAS: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?

MONIQUE: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.

ZAC: Hey, Ash, how'd it go.

ASHLEY: Oh, I couldn't go in.

MONIQUE: Honey, I'm sorry.

ZAC: Are you OK?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.

CORBIN: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Zac and Ashley hug, Monique and Vanessa hug, Corbin is left standing

LUCAS: Hey, Monique, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.

CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Lucas and Corbin are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.

LUCAS: Van, these are for you.

VANESSA: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

LUCAS: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

CORBIN: OK, Ash, your turn.

ASHLEY: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

LUCAS: Uh-huh.

ASHLEY: You guuuyys.

LUCAS: And for Zac, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ZAC: You got me a cola drink?

CORBIN: And, a lemon lime.

ZAC: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

CORBIN: And last but not least.

[Corbin and Lucas give Monique a pack of condoms.

LUCAS: They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[Zac and Monique trade their gifts.


	10. Chapter 10

Lucas gets a part in Grey's Anatomy and a special appearance by a Zac double

[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Lucas is anxiously in the lead.

VANESSA: Lucas, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.

LUCAS: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before.

MONIQUE: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.

ASHLEY: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.

LUCAS: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper _The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Lucas Grabeel's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king._

CORBIN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Ash, read yours.

ASHLEY: OK. [reading _The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction..._

CORBIN: Does anyone have one from a **different** paper? Zac, read yours.

ZAC: I don't want to.

VANESSA: Lucas, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

ZAC: Yeah.

LUCAS: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

ZAC: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.

LUCAS: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

MONIQUE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe **this** will change your mind. [Reads from paper _In a mediocre play, Lucas Grabeel was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..._ continued on page 153...[turns it_ sucking._

Credits 

[Scene: Corbin, Ashley, Vanessa, Monique comforting Lucas at Monique and Vanessa's apartment.

LUCAS: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

[Zac enters, depressed.

ZAC[sullenly Hiiiiii.

ASHLEY: Are... are you OK?

ZAC: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?

MONIQUE: Maybe.

ZAC: Don't toy with me.

[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monique's bedroom.

FBOB: Coleman!

ZAC: Hey, Fun Bobby!

FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?

ZAC: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!

MONIQUE: You and me both.

FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon?

ASHLEY: Oh, we were just trying to make Lucas feel better.

FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?

LUCAS: No, I'm alright man. Really.

FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.

LUCAS: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Lucas up off the ground, bounces him. Lucas laughs. Alright! It still works.

FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up[everyone raises their hands I'm still gonna go.

MONIQUE: OK, I'll see you later babe.

FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monique

[Corbin and Lucas are watching, Vanessa turns their heads away from Monique.

FBOB: See ya. [exits

ALL: Bye! See you later!

ASHLEY: Fun Bobby is so great.

MONIQUE: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.

ASHLEY: Half full of **looooovvvvve**.

MONIQUE: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.

ASHLEY: Cabin of **loooooovvvvve**.

VANESSA: We went through a **lot** of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles

MONIQUE: Really? I only had two glasses.

LUCAS: I just had a glass.

ASHLEY: Two.

VANESSA: I had one glass.

CORBIN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.

VANESSA: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?

[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.

ZAC: Oooooh.

LUCAS[realizing what everyone else did a minute ago Ooooooh.

MONIQUE: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ZAC: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'

LUCAS: Monique, have you ever been with him when he **wasn't** drinking?

MONIQUE: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.

[Scene: Monique, Fun Bobby, and Ashley sitting in _Central Perk_ Vanessa is serving them. She brings a mug to Monique.

MONIQUE: Van, does this have nonfat milk?

VANESSA: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.

MONIQUE[takes a sip Mmmm, no.

VANESSA: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.

FBOB[pulls out a flask Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

[Ashley and Vanessa look uncomfortable.

ASHLEY: Um, cake.

VANESSA: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Ashley and Vanessa go to counter.

MONIQUE: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

MONIQUE: Bobby.

FBOB: Yeah, OK.

MONIQUE: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.

FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'

MONIQUE: So, what are you saying now?

FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug

ASHLEY[comes back to couch, with cake Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?

FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.

ASHLEY[sad Ooohh, why?

[Corbin and Lucas enter.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

MONIQUE: Hey.

ASHLEY: Hey.

CORBIN: Guess who's back in show business.

ASHLEY: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CORBIN: No, no, Ash. You know why? Cause he's dead.

ASHLEY: Oh, no.

CORBIN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Lucas, that's who.

LUCAS: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for _Greys Anatomy_!

ASHLEY: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a medical drama theme.

CORBIN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

ASHLEY: Hey Van, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.

VANESSA: Ummmm... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.

MONIQUE[gasps You have other friends?

VANESSA: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.

MONIQUE: What?

LUCAS: With a man?

VANESSA: What? What is so strange about me having a date?

LUCAS: What about Zac? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?

VANESSA: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really **anything** at him anymore.

MONIQUE: What are you talking about?

VANESSA: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

ASHLEY: But you guys came so close.

VANESSA: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Zac.

[Troy enters _Central Perk_. He looks like Zac, except for his chin and hair.

VANESSA: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Troy.

TROY[sounding like Zac Hhhhiiiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.

[Scene: _Miss Darbus Talent Agency_. Miss Darbus (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.

DARBUS: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya[a knock on the door Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.

[Lucas enters.

DARBUS: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?

LUCAS: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.

DARBUS: Lucas, have you ever seen me ecstatic?

LUCAS: No.

DARBUS: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.

LUCAS: OK, uh... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...

DARBUS: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

LUCAS: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.

DARBUS: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause Hi darling. So how 'bout Lucas Grabeel for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific[pause Uh-huuuuh. [pause Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up [to Lucas Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Monique and Vanessa at counter, Ashley, Corbin, and Fun Bobby at the couch.

VANESSA: What's the matter?

MONIQUE: It's Fun Bobby.

VANESSA: What, isn't he sober?

MONIQUE: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

VANESSA: Ohhh, OK.

[Monique returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.

MONIQUE: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee

FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

MONIQUE: Oh God, yes!

FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

ASHLEY: That **is** funny.

FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

MONIQUE: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now?

FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves

CORBIN: Bye... ridiculously dull Bobby.

MONIQUE: Oh... my... God.

ASHLEY: It's not that bad.

MONIQUE: Not that bad? Did you **hear** the hammer story?

ASHLEY: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.

VANESSA: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.

MONIQUE: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.

ASHLEY: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.

[Troy enters, walking in behind Corbin.

TROY: Hi.

CORBIN[turning around Hey Zac... bahhhh!

VANESSA: Hi Troy, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?

TROY: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh... friend-type...people.

[Ashley walks up to Vanessa, cleaning tables.

ASHLEY: Vanessa? Um, hi.

VANESSA: Hi.

ASHLEY: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?

VANESSA: Uhh... waitressing?

ASHLEY: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't... doesn't Troy just remind you of someone?

VANESSA[looks at him Huh, Ashton Kutcher?

ASHLEY[looks at Troy Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Ashley turns back around but Vanessa is gone. Zac enters.

ASHLEY: Oh, my, oh!

ZAC: What? What's wrong?

ASHLEY: I, OK...

MONIQUE: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

ZAC: Alright.

CORBIN[to Ashley Listen, Ash, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Troy and Zac Zac, Troy. Troy, Zac.

TROY: Hi.

ZAC: Hi.

TROY: Are you a, uh, friend of Vanessa's?

ZAC: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Vanessa's?

TROY: Actually, I'm a... kind of a... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Vanessa's.

ZAC: A date.

TROY: Yeah, I'm her date.

ZAC: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh **you're** the date.

CORBIN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Zac, we have a spare.

TROY: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.

ZAC: Yes, yes I am. And you are a...

TROY: Periodontist.

MONIQUE: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

ZAC: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.

TROY: Ditto.

[Zac approaches Vanessa at counter.

ZAC: I, uh, well... I... I met Troy.

VANESSA: Oh.

ZAC: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.

VANESSA: Well, we're not seeing each other, so...

ZAC: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...

VANESSA: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ZAC: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

VANESSA: Um, Troy, you ready?

TROY: Yeah.

VANESSA: Bye.

MONIQUE: Bye.

ASHLEY: Bye.

[Troy and Vanessa leave together.

ZAC[upset She's dating. **She's dating.**

CORBIN: Yes, yes, but did you see **who** she was dating?

ZAC: What do you mean?

MONIQUE: Do you not see it?

ZAC: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello... a... week, to get out a sentence.

CORBIN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

ZAC: ...Yeah.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Lucas is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Corbin enters.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.

LUCAS: Well, the part's mine if I want it.

CORBIN: Oh my God!

LUCAS: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.

CORBIN[not knowing how to react Oh my... God?

LUCAS: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Corbin, ten years! I mean, _Grey's Anatomy_. That's actually on television.

CORBIN: So, what're you gonna do?

LUCAS: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?

CORBIN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

LUCAS: I've never slept with someone for a part.

CORBIN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce

LUCAS: Sorry.

CORBIN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?

LUCAS: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause You know, after having slept with her.

CORBIN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job **and** you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

LUCAS: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.

CORBIN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?

LUCAS: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monique are ordering.

WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?

MONIQUE: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind No, no thank you.

FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.

MONIQUE: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter Just some water.

FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...

MONIQUE[grabs waiter as he's leaving I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Corbin is sitting on the couch between Troy and Zac, doing a crossword puzzle.

CORBIN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Zac? Wanna do another one, huh Troy? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in _ium_.

TROY: Dysprosium.

ZAC[condescendingly Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.

CORBIN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, _Knights in White Satin_ was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Ashley and Vanessa are at the counter talking.

ASHLEY: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?

VANESSA: What?

ASHLEY: OK honey, you're dating Zac.

VANESSA: No, Ash. I'm dating **Troy**.

ASHLEY: Troy is Zac. Troy... Zac!

VANESSA: Steve... sleeve!

ASHLEY: OK, noone is named Sleeve.

VANESSA: Ashley, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.

[They look over at Troy and Zac.

ZAC[to Troy For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

TROY: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.

CORBIN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

TROY: I know what your problem is.

ZAC: Oh you do, do you?

TROY: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ZAC: Of... of what?

TROY: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.

ZAC: Hey, you're a doctor of **gums**. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

TROY: Hey, you listen.

ZAC: No, no, let me finish.

TROY: No, let me finish.

ZAC: No, you let me fini...

[Vanessa walks up behind them.

ZAC: Hi.

TROY: Hi.

ZAC: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww[turns away

[Scene: Zac, Ashley, Vanessa, and Corbin at Monique and Vanessa's apartment.

VANESSA: Did Lucas say what he was gonna go when he left?

CORBIN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?

VANESSA: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?

CORBIN: Me.

VANESSA: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CORBIN: It's my game. You want the job or not?

[Monique enters from her bedroom.

CORBIN: Hey.

MONIQUE: Morning.

ZAC: Where ya goin'?

MONIQUE: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?

ZAC: Ooooohhhh.

[Monique pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.

ASHLEY: What's with all the bottles of liquor?

ZAC: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?

MONIQUE: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.

[Three slow knocks on the door.

VANESSA: Oh God, even his knock is boring.

[Monique answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.

MONIQUE: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.

FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?

MONIQUE: Sure.

[They both step out into the hall.

FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.

MONIQUE: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.

FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.

MONIQUE: What about me?

FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.

MONIQUE: What these[holding up liquor bottles Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.

FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?

MONIQUE: Oh... shoot.

FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.

MONIQUE: OK.

[They hug and kiss.

MONIQUE: Take care.

FBOB: You too.

[Fun Bobby leaves and Monique goes back inside.

VANESSA: What happened?

MONIQUE: Well we... we kinda broke up.

GANG: Awwwwwwww.

[Zac, Ashley, Corbin, and Vanessa all exchange money.

MONIQUE[holding bottles Does anybody want these?

CORBIN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.

[Lucas enters.

LUCAS: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ZAC: How'd the callback go?

LUCAS: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.

CORBIN: So what'd you do?

LUCAS: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.

ZAC: Good for you.

LUCAS: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

ASHLEY: So... and?

LUCAS: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Ryan Evans, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!

GANG: Allright!

LUCAS: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves

[Ashley, Zac, Vanessa, Corbin exchange money again.

**Credits**

[Scene: _Central Perk_. Troy enters. Corbin and Ashley are sitting on the couch.

TROY: Hi.

CORBIN: Oh, hey.

ASHLEY: Hi.

TROY: I guess you guys heard, Vanessa dumped me.

CORBIN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

TROY: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?

[Corbin and Ashley feign ignorance.

ASHLEY: Oh I do, it's... it's Ashton Kutcher. She hates him.

TROY: Oh.

[Olesya... Zac's ex-girlfriend... enters.

OLESYA: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey!

ASHLEY: Hey, Olesya! Hey, how are you doing?

OLESYA: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Zac, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um...

[Troy and Olesya look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...


	11. Chapter 11

_[at Zac's. Kay and Shelley are picking Ben up_

ZAC: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!

KAY: So how did everything go?

ZAC: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.

KAY: Well, we've gotta go.

ZAC: Ok.

SHELLEY: _[clears her throat_

KAY: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.

ZAC: Oh, you and me?

KAY: Uh, no, Shelley and me.

SHELLEY: The other us.

ZAC: Ok.

KAY: We're uh, we're getting married.

ZAC: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?

KAY: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.

ZAC: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

KAY: Look I just thought that...

ZAC: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!

SHELLEY: Is your finger caught in that chair?

ZAC: Mmm hmmm.

KAY: Want us to go?

ZAC: Uh-huh.

_[at Vanessa and Monique's_

ZAC: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.

LUCAS: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Grey's Anatomy. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how we are like Grey's Anatomy

MONIQUE: Yes! Kay and Shelley's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.

ZAC, CORBIN & LUCAS: Yes!

MONIQUE: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?

ZAC: Would it matter?

MONIQUE: Oh, you are so great! _[kisses him_ Thank you!

LUCAS: Are you really not going?

ZAC: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?

MONIQUE: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.

ZAC: If you wanna call that a reason.

CORBIN: _[singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood_ Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

MONIQUE: Zac, I thought you were over this.

ZAC: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.

LUCAS: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.

VANESSA: _[entering hurriedly_ Did I miss it? Did I miss it?

LUCAS: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

CORBIN: Whoa, she's pretty.

LUCAS: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

VANESSA: I'm sorry, what?

MONIQUE: What?

LUCAS: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.

CORBIN: Oh, ok.

LUCAS: There's my scene, there's my scene. _[Lucas on tv_ "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Ryan Evans, your sister's neurosurgeon.

MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?

LUCAS: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.

CORBIN: Nice!

VANESSA: That's great!

ZAC: Excellent!

CORBIN: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.

_[Monique and Vanessa's_

ZAC: That is so good! Do it again!

LUCAS: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"

CORBIN: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

ZAC: No no, that's me.

CORBIN: Oh, yeah.

ZAC: Oh, hello.

ASHLEY: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...

ZAC: Is everything ok?

ASHLEY: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.

ZAC: Oh my god.

CORBIN: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

ASHLEY: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.

MONIQUE: Oh, honey.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.

VANESSA: What do you mean?

ASHLEY: I think it went into me.

_[Everyone takes a step back from Ashley_

_[Central Perk_

MONIQUE: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.

CORBIN: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

VANESSA: Ok, who ordered what?

ZAC: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

CORBIN: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

VANESSA: Oh god.

LUCAS: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'.

VANESSA: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Drew, that my life is total crap, you know?

ASHLEY: _[Mrs. Adelman's voice_ Talk about crap. Try listening to Ella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

LUCAS: Uh, Ash, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?

ASHLEY: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. _[Mrs. Adelman's voice_ Sit up!

MRS. HUDGENS: _[entering_ There she is.

VANESSA: Mom!

MRS HUDGENS: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.

VANESSA: Pretty much.

MRS HUDGENS: Monique! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

VANESSA: This is Lucas, and Ashley, and this is Corbin, and you remember Zac.

MRS HUDGENS: Oh hello, Zac.

ZAC: Hi, Mrs. Hudgens. _[He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him._

MRS HUDGENS: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?

VANESSA: Oh Mom!

MRS HUDGENS: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

CORBIN: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

MRS HUDGENS: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.

VANESSA: Really?

MRS HUDGENS: Yes.

ASHLEY: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

LUCAS: Ash, who's Evelyn Dermer?

ASHLEY: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

_[at Vanessa and Monique's_

MRS HUDGENS: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

VANESSA: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

MRS HUDGENS: _[laughing_ You have some life here, sweetie.

VANESSA: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Drew and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?

MRS HUDGENS: I do. You didn't love Drew. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.

VANESSA: For...me.

MRS HUDGENS: Well, not just for you.

VANESSA: Well, what do you mean?

MRS HUDGENS: I'm uh, considering leaving your father.

MONIQUE: _[entering_ All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

VANESSA: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.

MONIQUE: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

ZAC: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?

VANESSA: None.

LUCAS: They didn't fight a lot?

VANESSA: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?

ASHLEY: _[Mrs. Adelman's voice_ In my day, divorce was not an option.

LUCAS: Hey, look who's up.

VANESSA: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.

MONIQUE: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.

VANESSA: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

CORBIN: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.

ASHLEY: That's him.

CORBIN: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.

MR A: Ashley?

ASHLEY: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.

MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.

ASHLEY: Um, do you wanna sit?

MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?

ASHLEY: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?

MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

ASHLEY: Everything?

MR A: Everything.

ASHLEY: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.

MR A: _[to Lucas_ Worth a shot, huh?

_[Lucas nods and shrugs._

MRS HUDGENS: Look at this.

VANESSA: These are from Halloween three years ago.

MRS HUDGENS: Oh, look, here's Drew. Did he have to come straight from the office?

VANESSA: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

MONIQUE: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?

VANESSA: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."

MONIQUE: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.

VANESSA: Hey, Momo, you want some help?

MONIQUE: If you want.

ASHLEY: _[enters_ Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.

VANESSA: She's still with you?

ASHLEY: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. _[Takes Mrs. Hudgens's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice_ Oh, such a pretty face.

MRS HUDGENS: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

VANESSA: God!

MONIQUE: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food.

MRS HUDGENS: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

VANESSA: Oh! What's new in sex?

MRS HUDGENS: The only man I've ever been with is your father.

MONIQUE: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.

MRS HUDGENS: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.

VANESSA: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?

MRS HUDGENS: No.

VANESSA: You want me to talk you out of it?

MRS HUDGENS: No.

VANESSA: Then what? What do you want?

MRS HUDGENS: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.

VANESSA: Why on earth would I understand this?

MRS HUDGENS: You didn't marry your Drew. I did.

VANESSA: Oh.

MONIQUE: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!

CORBIN: Monique, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

MONIQUE: Lucas, speed it up!

LUCAS: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!

ASHLEY: Monique, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.

MONIQUE: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?

ASHLEY: Sir! No sir!

MONIQUE: _[to Zac_ All right, you!

ZAC: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.

MONIQUE: All right, look, Zac. I realize that you have issues with Kay and Shelley, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Zac". All right, ball the melon.

CORBIN: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.

_[knock at the door_

MONIQUE: Hi.

KAY: How's it going?

MONIQUE: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers._[everyone groans_

KAY: Fine, whatever.

ZAC: What's the matter?

KAY: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.

ZAC: What?

MONIQUE: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

ZAC: Kay, what's the matter? What happened?

KAY: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.

ZAC: Oh my god.

KAY: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.

ZAC: It's ok. I'm sorry.

KAY: And then Shelley and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.

ZAC: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Shelley's right.

KAY: You do?

ZAC: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.

KAY: Of course I do.

ZAC: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.

KAY: You're right. Of course you're right.

MONIQUE: So we're back on?

KAY: We're back on.

MONIQUE: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.

_[at the wedding_

LUCAS: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

CORBIN: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.

_[Wedding music starts, Ashley noisily unwraps a piece of candy._

ASHLEY: _[Mrs. Adelman's voice_ Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

_[Monique pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Shelley is escorted by both her parents. Kay is escorted by Zac._

KAY: Thank you.

ZAC: Any time. _[He doesn't want to let her go_

KAY: Zac. _[He lets her go_

MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Kay and Shelley in holy matrimony.

ASHLEY: _[Mrs. Adelman's voice_ Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! _[Ashley's voice_ Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

_[At the reception, Monique and Zac watch Kay and Shelley getting their picture taken._

MONIQUE: Would you look at them?

ZAC: Yeah, can't help but.

LUCAS: _[to a wedding guest_ How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? _[the guy nods_ I wrapped those bad boys.

ASHLEY: I miss Rose.

CORBIN: Oh, yeah?

ASHLEY: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.

WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?

ASHLEY: Ok, that's so nice.

_[Corbin tries to warn Ashley that the woman is coming on to her, but Ashley doesn't see him._

CORBIN: _[to an attractive woman_ I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? _[The woman walks away_

VANESSA: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

MRS HUDGENS: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.

VANESSA: There's more alcohol, right?

_[Shelley approaches Zac, who's looking lonely_

SHELLEY: How you doin'?

ZAC: Ok.

SHELLEY: You did a good thing today.

ZAC: Yeah.

SHELLEY: You wanna dance?

ZAC: No, that's fine.

SHELLEY: Come on. I'll let you lead.

ZAC: Ok.

_[They dance; Kay looks on lovingly._

CORBIN: _[to the woman who just rejected him_ All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. _[She walks away again._

_[at Monique and Vanessa's_

MONIQUE: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?

ZAC: Well, Momo, I was married.

ASHLEY: Yeah, me, too, technically.

VANESSA: I had a wedding.

MONIQUE: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.

LUCAS: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? _[They all look at Corbin_

CORBIN: Isn't Ben in this?

ALL: Oh, yeah!


	12. Chapter 12

**Guest starring Kirsten Dunst and Matt Damon ( Vanessa admitted she had a crush on him on Tyra Banks)**

**Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monique and Vanessa's.**

_[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected. _

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there. 

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.

ZAC: That commercial always makes me so sad.

LUCAS: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ZAC: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Cameron.

ASHLEY: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.  
MONIQUE: And the fact that they're both monkeys.

ZAC: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

VANESSA: Oh, Zac, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ZAC: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.

CORBIN: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin, Monique, Vanessa, and Ashley are at the couch.**

[Lucas enters holding a letter

LUCAS: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CORBIN: Rhythm?

LUCAS: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONIQUE[reading 'Dear Dr. Evans, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'

VANESSA: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.

MONIQUE: This wasn't addressed to _Grey's Anatomy_, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

LUCAS: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Zac enters with a suitcase

ZAC: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

ASHLEY: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?

ZAC: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Cameron.

CORBIN: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

[Rob enters

VANESSA: Oh, Ashley, that really cute guy is here again.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs

ASHLEY: I know, I know. [to Rob Hello.

ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.

ASHLEY: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.

ASHLEY: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

ASHLEY: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are standing around in the kitchen.**

LUCAS: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CORBIN: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically

[door buzzer goes off

CORBIN: Hello.

ERICA: It's Erica.

LUCAS: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it's open.

CORBIN[Lucas grabs a frying pan Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

LUCAS: Let's get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monique and Vanessa's door

CORBIN: The one time they're not home.

LUCAS: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.

CORBIN: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.

LUCAS: She's comin'.

[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.

ERICA: It's me.

LUCAS: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?

CORBIN: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding

[Lucas opens the door and sees Erica. Lucas gets a huge smile and Corbin squeezed the dish soap in the air.

ERICA: Hi.

LUCAS: Erica.

**[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Zac is at the Monkey cages.**

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ZAC: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Cameron.

LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Cameron has passed on.

ZAC: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ZAC: I can't believe this.

LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Efron. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ZAC: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.

ZAC: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

**[Scene: Library. Ashley is getting ready to sing for the kids. Corbin, Monique, and Vanessa are there.**

[Ashley pulls out her guitar

KIDS: Ooohhh.

ASHLEY: I know.

MONIQUE: I can't believe Lucas's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CORBIN: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in _Misery_?

VANESSA AND MONIQUE: Yeah.

CORBIN: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

VANESSA: And she's not crazy?

CORBIN: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Lucas is actually Dr. Ryan Evans.

VANESSA: Oh my God.

MONIQUE: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.

CORBIN: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Lucas through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

ASHLEY: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

ASHLEY: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROB: I was thinkin' about it.

ASHLEY: OK. [they kiss OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Ashley

ALL: Hi Ashley.

ASHLEY: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing  
_Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,  
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.  
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,  
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.  
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,  
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.  
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la..._

**[Scene: A nice restraunt. Lucas and Erica are dining.**

ERICA: Oh, Ryan, isn't it amazing?

LUCAS: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.

LUCAS: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who's they?

LUCAS: No one.

ERICA: Oh Ryan, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.

LUCAS: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

LUCAS: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically Wow, you're good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Seattle, Dr. Ryan Evans.

**[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Zac is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.**

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ZAC: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men _that_ way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.

**[Scene: Restraunt. Lucas and Erica are still there.**

ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?

LUCAS: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Ryan Evans?

LUCAS: But that's what...

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

LUCAS: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss

ERICA: Hey what?

LUCAS: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY[she starts nibbling his hand Hey. He-hey.

**[Scene: Library. Ashley is singing.**

ASHLEY[singing _There'll be times when you get older  
when you'll want to sleep with people  
just to make them like you. . .  
But don't.  
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody  
That's another thing that you don't wanna do._

MONIQUE: Excellent!

CORBIN: Very informative!

VANESSA: Not at all inappropriate!

ASHLEY: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

ASHLEY: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

ASHLEY: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

ASHLEY: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

ASHLEY: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

ASHLEY: Thinkin' about it.

**[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Zac and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.**

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ZAC: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ZAC: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ZAC: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ZAC: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ZAC: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...

ZAC: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ZAC: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.

ZAC: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ZAC: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ZAC: But you already told me everything.

**[Scene: Library. Zac show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.**

ZAC: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

VANESSA: Well, so what're you gonna do?

ZAC: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CORBIN: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

ASHLEY: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Ashley.

ASHLEY: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.  
[singing _Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,  
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.  
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,  
And that's how we get hamburgers.  
Nooowww, chickens!_

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Monique, Vanessa, and the guys are watching **_**Grey's Anatomy**_

_TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Ryan. _

LUCAS ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God. 

ZAC: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door

ERICA: It's Erica.

LUCAS: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

VANESSA: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

LUCAS: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

VANESSA: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Meredith?

MONIQUE: Van, it's a world where Lucas is a neuro-surgeon.

LUCAS: Hey Erica, c'mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Seattle?

LUCAS: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

LUCAS: Who?

ERICA: Meredith. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

LUCAS: It's not what you think, that was...

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face

LUCAS: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Ryan Evans, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

LUCAS: Somebody wanna help me out here?

VANESSA: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Lucas in on it.

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

LUCAS: 'Cause it's a television show.

ERICA: Ryan, what're you getting at?

LUCAS: I'm not Ryan.

ZAC: That's right, he's not Ryan, he's Bryan Evans, Ryan's evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

VANESSA: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Ryan to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face

MONIQUE: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face

CORBIN: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face

ERICA: Is all this true?

LUCAS: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Ryan, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Seattle, find him, he's the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Bryan. [They kiss

ZAC: Bryan...Bryan...Yo evil twin.

LUCAS: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Seattle. Take care

ERICA: I'll never forget you Bryan. [Lucas shuts the door in her face

LUCAS: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Ashley and Rob are sitting on the couch.**

ASHLEY: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

ASHLEY: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

ASHLEY: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

ASHLEY: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

ASHLEY: Who's Barney.

**[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.**

ZAC: Well, I tracked down Cameron and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming _Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan_.

VANESSA: You're kidding.

LUCAS: This is amazing.

ZAC: I know.

LUCAS: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.

ASHLEY: OK, Vanessa, I'm ready.

VANESSA: OK.

[little kid enters

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

ASHLEY: Um, yeah I guess that's me.

KID[shouting out the door She's here.

[a rush of kids enter

ASHLEY[singing _Sometimes men love women,  
sometimes men love men,  
and then there are bisexuals,  
though some just say they're kidding themselves.  
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la..._

**[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.**

ZAC: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.

CORBIN: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

ZAC: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.

ZAC: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONIQUE: Zac, there he is.

ZAC: Hey, hey buddy, Cameron. Cameron. [Cameron doesn't react so Zac starts singing _We're soaring, flying, there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach._ [no reaction from Cameron, Monique and Lucas urge him on _You know the world can see us, in a way that's different than who we are_ [Cameron looks over and everyone joins in _But your faith it gives me strength, strength to believe_ [Cameron runs over and hops up on Zac's shoulder

**[Scene: The next time at the movie set.**

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...

LUCAS: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in

ZAC: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Cameron grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground

LUCAS: Woah, dude, burn.

ZAC: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

VANESSA: Now just how big of a star is Cameron?

TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Katie Holmes.

ALL: Woah.

CORBIN[to guys wering yellow isolation suits So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?

LUCAS: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.

LUCAS: Gotcha. Ash, walk with me.

ASHLEY: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?

LUCAS: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the **horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me.** Is he lookin', is he lookin'?

KIRSTEN: We've got a problem.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

KIRSTEN: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

KIRSTEN: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Matt Damon is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.

KIRSTEN: I hate actors.

CORBIN[to an extra in fatigues Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.

KIRSTEN: Excuse me.

CORBIN: Ahhhh.

KIRSTEN: Uh, is your name Corbin?

CORBIN: Uh, yes, yes it is.

KIRSTEN: Corbin Bleu?

CORBIN: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

KIRSTEN: I'm Kirsten Dunst. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.  
CORBIN: Kirsten Dunst, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

KIRSTEN: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CORBIN: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

KIRSTEN: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CORBIN: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

[cut to Monique and Vanessa walking through the set

MONIQUE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

VANESSA: What what what what?

MONIQUE: Matt Damon. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

VANESSA: Ya think?

MONIQUE: The muscles from Bourne Identity, Matt Damon, did you see _Good Will Hunting_?

VANESSA: No, was he any good in it?

MONIQUE: Vanessa, he like, totally changed time.

VANESSA: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?

MONIQUE: Oh, yeah.

VANESSA: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?

MONIQUE: He could hear me.

VANESSA: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.

MONIQUE: Oh Vanessa don't, don't you dare, don't, **don't**. Tell him I cook.

VANESSA: Excuse me. Hi.

MATT: Hi.

VANESSA: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.

MATT: You don't think I'm cute?

VANESSA: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?

MATT: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Corbin and Kirsten

CORBIN: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

KIRSTEN: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CORBIN: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup

KIRSTEN: Oh that's me, I gotta go.

CORBIN: Oh uh, o, OK.

KIRSTEN: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CORBIN: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.

KIRSTEN: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.

CORBIN: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Vanessa and Monique

MONIQUE: So what'd he say?

VANESSA: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONIQUE: Well, thanks anyway.

VANESSA: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONIQUE: Vanessa if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...

VANESSA: Matt she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Lucas and the girls are sitting at the couches.**

VANESSA: And then Matt took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

LUCAS: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

VANESSA: Does anybody need anything?

MONIQUE: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.

VANESSA: That is so unfair.

ASHLEY: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Damon.

[Zac enters

ZAC: Hey Lucas I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Cameron's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

LUCAS: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?

ZAC: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

LUCAS: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Corbin enters

CORBIN: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

ASHLEY: Stick a fork what?

CORBIN: Like, when you're cooking a steak.

ASHLEY: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.

CORBIN: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

ASHLEY: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CORBIN: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

CORBIN: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'

MONIQUE: What did you say?

CORBIN: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

ASHLEY: Oh, you just know.

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Kirsten are making out on the couch.**

KIRSTEN: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CORBIN: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

KIRSTEN: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

KIRSTEN: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?

CORBIN: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.

KIRSTEN: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CORBIN: You want me to wear your panties?

KIRSTEN: Could ya?

CORBIN: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.

**[Scene: Zac's apartment. Zac is setting up for his time with Cameron. Lucas is there.**

ZAC: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Cameron's favorite dish, banannacake.

LUCAS: Oooh.

ZAC: With mealworms.

LUCAS: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings

ZAC: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Vanessa are upset with each other. Ashley is mediating.**

ASHLEY: OK, Vanessa, why don't you start talking first.

VANESSA: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monique starts making faces behind her back She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?

ASHLEY: Alright Monique, if there is something that you would like to share...

MONIQUE: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

VANESSA: That is the most ridiculous.

MONIQUE: You sold me out.

VANESSA: I did not sell you out.

MONIQUE: Yes you did. Absolutely.

VANESSA: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monique on the forehead

MONIQUE: Did you just flick me?

VANESSA: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monique flicks her back Ow. That hurt [flicks Monique

MONIQUE: Quit flicking [flicks

VANESSA: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONIQUE: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Ashley is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Ashley gets fed up.

ASHLEY: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

[Ashley grabs each of them by an ear

MONIQUE AND VANESSA: Ow. Ow. Ow.

ASHLEY: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

VANESSA: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONIQUE: Uh-huh.

VANESSA: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?

MONIQUE: OK.

VANESSA: Oh that's what you want.

MONIQUE: Yes.

VANESSA: Fine.

MONIQUE: Fine,

ASHLEY: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

**[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Lucas, Zac, Corbin, Kirsten, and the Director's Assistant are there.**

ZAC: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

LUCAS: Forget about it.

KIRSTEN: How you doin there squirmy?

CORBIN: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.

LUCAS: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

LUCAS: So what're you guys gonna eat?

KIRSTEN: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CORBIN: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

KIRSTEN: I want you right here, right now.

CORBIN: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Kirsten grabs him under the table They do have the shrimp.

KIRSTEN: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom

CORBIN: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom

[In the bathroom Kirsten and Corbin are kissing. She backs into a stall.

KIRSTEN: C'mon.

CORBIN: I can't believe we're doing this.

KIRSTEN: Alright mister, let's see those panties.

CORBIN: Alrighty. [we see Corbin's pants drop from under the stall door

KIRSTEN: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CORBIN: What?

KIRSTEN: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.

CORBIN: Oh.

KIRSTEN: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CORBIN: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.

KIRSTEN: C'mon hurry, hurry.

CORBIN: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

KIRSTEN: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CORBIN: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.

KIRSTEN: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.

CORBIN: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Kirsten? Kirsten.

KIRSTEN: This is for the fourth grade.

CORBIN: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

KIRSTEN: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.

CORBIN: What, what's what you mean?

KIRSTEN: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Kirsten Underpants 'till I was 18.

CORBIN: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

KIRSTEN: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes

CORBIN: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.

**[Scene: Monique and Matt Damon are walking down the street.**

MONIQUE: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching _Bourne ultimatum_, now I'm on a date with Matt Damon. Can you beat up that guy[he nods Can you beat up that guy?

MATT: Sure.

MONIQUE: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

MATT: Normally, I would not do it.

MONIQUE: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

MATT: 'Cause Vanessa told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...

**[Scene: Back at Monique and Vanessa's apartment. They are now fighting about what Vanessa told Matt Damon.**

MONIQUE: Say you're sorry.

VANESSA: No. [hitting each other

MONIQUE: Say it.

VANESSA: No. [hitting again

[Monique grabs Vanessa by the sweater. Vanessa squirms out of it

MONIQUE: Vanessa, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.

VANESSA: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONIQUE: Say you're sorry.

VANESSA: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monique's purse

MONIQUE: What're you gonna do?

VANESSA: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.

MONIQUE: You don't have the guts.

VANESSA: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monique pulls a thread on Vanessa's sweater and Vanessa dumps the tomato sauce in Monique's purse

ASHLEY: Oh alright, stop, **STOP THE MADNESS**. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monique and Vanessa start yelling at the same time

ASHLEY: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONIQUE: I'll help you fix your sweater.

VANESSA: I'll help you throw out your purse.

MONIQUE: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

VANESSA: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONIQUE: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Vanessa's gloves out of her purse

**[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Corbin is still in the stall, Lucas comes in to go to the bathroom.**

[Lucas starts whistling, Corbin finishes the tune. Lucas whistles again.

CORBIN: Lucas?

LUCAS: Ma?

CORBIN: Lucas!

LUCAS: Corbin? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.

CORBIN: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

LUCAS: Are you naked in there?

CORBIN: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.

LUCAS: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CORBIN: No, no, this is the first time.

LUCAS: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CORBIN: I was not trying them out, Kirsten asked me to wear them.

LUCAS: Well, let me see.

CORBIN: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

LUCAS: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Corbin Woah, someone's flossing.

[Zac enters, sees Lucas in the mirror

ZAC[to Lucas who's looking over a toilet stall Lucas, some people don't like that.

LUCAS: Corbin's wearing panties.

ZAC: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall

CORBIN: No, no, you don't have to see.

ZAC: Hi Tushie.

CORBIN: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

LUCAS: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.

CORBIN: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

LUCAS: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CORBIN: Alright look Zac I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Lucas and Zac return. Shortly, Corbin comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Zac, Ashley, and Corbin are sitting.**

CORBIN: Hey Ash, can I have the milk after you?

ASHLEY: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Lucas enters

LUCAS: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.

ZAC: What happened?

LUCAS: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Zac, Cameron just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ZAC: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.

ASHLEY[sees Cameron at the window Oh my God.

ZAC: What?

["It Takes Two" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Cameron and Zac having fun in the city.

**[Scene: The movie set. Monique and Vanessa are saying goodbye to Matt Damon**

MATT[to Vanessa I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me[to Monique or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

VANESSA: OK, well, bye. [kisses him

MATT: Goodbye.

MONIQUE: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him

VANESSA: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again

MONIQUE: OK.

MATT: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONIQUE AND VANESSA: Oh, no no no no no.

MATT: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONIQUE AND VANESSA: No no no no.

VANESSA: Impressive.

MONIQUE: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONIQUE AND VANESSA: Bye-bye.

**[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Cameron.**

ZAC: Bye Cameron. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Cameron is driven off in a limo

ASHLEY: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

VANESSA: Oh yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Corbin, can I borrow your G-string?

CORBIN: How long you been waitin' to say that?

ASHLEY: About 20 minutes.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Lucas is dying on a gurney, Damon is looking over him.**

_MATT: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. _

LUCAS: Aaaaagggghhhhh. 

DIRECTOR: Cut.

_MATT: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. _

LUCAS: Aaaaagggghhhhh. 

DIRECTOR: Cut.

_MATT: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. _

LUCAS: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy 

DIRECTOR: Cut.

_MATT: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead._


	13. Chapter 13

**Gunther is drake bell**

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is playing foosball by himself, Lucas enters**

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal Huh?

LUCAS: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Corbin an envelope.

CORBIN: What's this?

LUCAS: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CORBIN: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?

LUCAS: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.

CORBIN: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.

LUCAS: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Corbin a jewelry box

CORBIN: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet Wow, I, I don't know what to say.

LUCAS: Heh, what d'ya say?

CORBIN: I don't know. It's a bracelet.

LUCAS: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.

CORBIN[reads To my best bud. [puts it back in the case Thanks best bud.

LUCAS: Put it on.

CORBIN: Oh, now[puts it in his desk drawer No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer

LUCAS: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Corbin Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.

CORBIN: I so am.

LUCAS: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

CORBIN: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monique is interviewing for a job**

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONIQUE: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?

MONIQUE: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Corbin Bleu.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.

MONIQUE: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONIQUE: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.

MONIQUE: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONIQUE: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.

MONIQUE: That's your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?

MONIQUE: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONIQUE: They'r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

MONIQUE: No really, they're OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?

MONIQUE: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONIQUE: I'm outa here. [Monique leaves

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Corbin and Ashley are sitting at the couch. Zac is sitting at the table and answers the phone.**

ZAC: Y-ello. No, Vanessa's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?

ASHLEY: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ZAC: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?

CORBIN: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.

ZAC[puts the message in the cupboard I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Vanessa and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Vanessa and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

ASHLEY: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.

ZAC: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

ASHLEY: Because she's your lobster.

CORBIN: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

ASHLEY: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .

[Monique enters from bathroom after taking a shower

CORBIN: Hey, you feelin' better?

MONIQUE: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.

ASHLEY: So, do you have any other possibilities?

MONIQUE: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.

ZAC: Monique, if you want, I can lend you some money.

MONIQUE: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.

ZAC: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.

CORBIN: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off

ASHLEY: What is that sparkly thing?

CORBIN: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.

ZAC: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

MONIQUE: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.**

MONIQUE: Hi.

MR. EFRON: Hi.

MRS. EFRON: Hi darling.

MONIQUE: So, what's this.

MR. EFRON: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. EFRON: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.

MONIQUE: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Zac's room?

MR. EFRON: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.

MONIQUE: Oh, God forbid.

[Vanessa enters with a laundry basket

MRS. EFRON: Oh, hi Vanessa.

VANESSA: Hi.

MRS. EFRON: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.

VANESSA: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.

MR. EFRON: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.

VANESSA: What, what incident?

MR. EFRON: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room

**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Ashley are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Corbin.**

ASHLEY: Do you want a refill?

CORBIN: No, I'm alright, thanks.

ASHLEY: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . . Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.

CORBIN[walks over to the woman I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.

GAIL: I'm Gail.

CORBIN: Corbin. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.

CORBIN: What[realizes it was the bracelet Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.

ASHLEY: It's not that bad.

CORBIN: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Lucas walks in behind Corbin

ASHLEY: Corbin, Corbin.

CORBIN: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Lucas Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Lucas turns around and walks out without saying anything That's actually good.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Vanessa is talking to a man at the counter. Zac and Ashley are sitting at the couches.**

ZAC: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.

ASHLEY: I think she's OK.

ZAC[Vanessa, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation Excuse me, are you Vanessa?

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: I'm Zac Efron. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.

VANESSA: What are you, what are you doin'?

ZAC: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.

ZAC: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves You're welcome.

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: I was saving you.

VANESSA: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?

ZAC: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

VANESSA: OK, Zac, listen to me, I am not yours to save.

ZAC: But, you are.

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.

VANESSA: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?

ZAC: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Ash you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

ASHLEY: Do the claws again.

ZAC: Van. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?

VANESSA: Zac, there is no us, OK.

ZAC: No, but. . .

VANESSA: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.

ZAC: Well, but, but. . .

VANESSA: NO but Zac. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.

ZAC: E-except, except that what?

VANESSA: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ZAC: Oh.

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is there. Lucas enters.**

CORBIN: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin[Lucas doesn't respond Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say[Throws a basketball to Lucas. Lucas doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp OK, that's my bad.

LUCAS: If you hated the bracelet so much, Corbin, you should have just said so.

CORBIN: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?

LUCAS: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CORBIN: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Lucas goes to his room and shuts the door Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions

LUCAS: You know what the. . . [sees Corbin on his knees, holding the couch cushions

CORBIN: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Lucas returns to his room

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Efron are watching tennis on TV, Monique is sitting at the table**

MR.EFRON : You know, that Jennifer Lopez has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.

ZAC: Hey guys.

MRS. EFRON: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?

ZAC: No, he's at uh, Kay's and Shelley's today.

MR. EFRON: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.

MRS. EFRON: Oh, David look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Efrons return to watching TV and Zac goes over to Monique

MONIQUE: Where have you been?

ZAC: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?

MONIQUE: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.

ZAC: C'mon Monique, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monique has some news.

MONIQUE: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.

MRS. EFRON: Why?

MONIQUE: Because they made me.

MRS. EFRON: You were fired? What're you gonna do?

MR. EFRON: Starla, Starla, relax, this is our little harmonique we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?

MONIQUE and ZAC: In the bank.

MR. EFRON: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear

MONIQUE: Anything larger back there?

**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Ashley enter.**

CORBIN: I can't believe it.

ASHLEY: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

CORBIN: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar

VANESSA[comes up from behind the bar and startles Corbin Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Drake found[holds up Corbin's bracelet

ASHLEY: Hey now you have two. [Corbin looks annoyed Oh, now you have two.

CORBIN: What am I gonna do, huh[Lucas walks in behind him

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: How come you have two?

CORBIN: Well this one's for you.

LUCAS: Get out.

CORBIN: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry[puts bracelet on Lucas it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet best buds.

LUCAS: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

CORBIN: That's what they'll call us.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Zac are standing in the kitchen. Zac is filling out a check**

ZAC: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.

MONIQUE: You have dinosaur checks?

ZAC: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?

MONIQUE: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.

ASHLEY[Standing in living room with Corbin and Lucas. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box Hey, Momo, what is this?

MONIQUE: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CORBIN: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

LUCAS[pulls out a VCR tape Hey Monique, what's on this video tape?

MONIQUE: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ZAC[Vanessa enters Oh.

VANESSA: Hi.

ZAC: Hi.

_MRS. EFRON: Over here David. OK. I see, Vanessa's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. David, get this. [Vanessa enters with a huge nose_

VANESSA: Oh my God.

LUCAS: What is with your nose?

VANESSA: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.

CORBIN: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.

MONIQUE: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

VANESSA: Oh.

ZAC: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

_MRS. EFRON: Get a shot of Monique. Where's Monique. _

MONIQUE: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen

MR, EFRON: Wait, how do you zoom out[zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monique eating a big sandwich There she is. 

LUCAS: Some girl ate Monique.

MONIQUE: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CORBIN: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

_MONIQUE: Oh, you look so great. _

VANESSA: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug

MONIQUE: Oops.

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

VANESSA: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.

MR. EFRON: Everybody smile.

MONIQUE: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. EFRON: It is off.

MONIQUE: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?

MR. EFRON: It's the off light. Right Zac[pans over to see Zac with an afro and moustache 

LUCAS: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

_ZAC: You look pretty tonight. _

VANESSA: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?

ZAC: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.

VANESSA[the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .

ZAC: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings

VANESSA: Oh, the guys are here.

ZAC: this summer? 

CORBIN: Work on your music?

_[Zac is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'What I've been looking for'_

VANESSA: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.

MONIQUE: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.

_VANESSA: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? _

ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monique's corsage on, Monique then turns and whispers to Vanessa 

MONIQUE: I just told Vanessa that Roy touched my boob.

_VANESSA: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too lame. _

MONIQUE: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.

MRS. EFRON[to Zac on the stairs I have a wonderful idea. You should take Vanessa to the prom.

ZAC: Doubtful.

MRS. EFRON: David, give me that. Talk to your son.

MR. EFRON: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.

ZAC: Dad, she won't want to go with me.

MR. EFRON: Of course she would, you're a college man.

ZAC: I don't know.

MR. EFRON: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?

VANESSA: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.

ZAC: OK. Hold my board.

MR. EFRON: Atta boy. [Zac scrambles upstairs to change 

ZAC: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ZAC: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

_MR. EFRON: C'mon kid, let's go. _

MRS. EFRON: Ahh, are you handsome.

MR. EFRON: Let's show 'em.

ZAC: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable OK dad.

MR. EFRON[going downstairs Vanessa, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving

VANESSA, MONIQUE, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. EFRON: Oh, dear. David, how do I turn this off?

MR. EFRON: Press the button.

MRS. EFRON: Which one? Which button, David.

MR. EFRON: The button, the button. 

MONIQUE: I can't believe you did that.

ZAC: Yeah, well.

[Vanessa, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Zac

ASHLEY: See, he's her lobster.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique is watching the rest of the tape**

_MRS. EFRON: Dance with him. _

MONIQUE: Mom, I'm hungry.

MRS. EFRON: Dance with your father.

MR. EFRON: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

MONIQUE: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monique's parents under the covers

MRS. EFRON: Oh, David.

MR. EFRON: Oh, Starla. Oh, Starla.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monique is visibly upset 


	14. Chapter 14

Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Lucas and Corbin enter with Corbin covering his eyes and Lucas leading him.

LUCAS: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.

CORBIN: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

LUCAS: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV

CORBIN: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.

LUCAS: Huh? _Grey's Anatomy_ picked up my option.

CORBIN: Congratulations!

LUCAS: I know.

CORBIN Now we can finally watch _Lost_ the way it was meant to be seen.

LUCAS: Uh-huh.

CORBIN: So uh, which one is mine?

LUCAS: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Corbin starts to sit in one of the chairs Not that one.

CORBIN[sits down Ohh yes.

LUCAS[sits down Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.

CORBIN[reaches for the footrest lever Do we dare?

LUCAS: We dare.

BOTH[both extend the footrests Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs AAAAHHHHHH.

**OPENING TITLES**

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monique, Zac, and Ashley are there.

ASHLEY: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

CORBIN: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

ZAC: This screen is amazing, I mean Matthew Fox is practically life-size.

ALL: Woah!

MONIQUE: Evangeline Lilly really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?

[Vanessa enters

VANESSA: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey you.

ZAC: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.

CORBIN and LUCAS: Woah, hey, yo. [Vanessa and Zac move

VANESSA: So, uh, how was your day?

ZAC: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.

VANESSA: Really? Mine too.

ASHLEY: Hey cool, mine too.

ZAC[beeper goes off Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.

VANESSA: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Zac just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves

ZAC: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONIQUE[walks up to Vanessa in front of the TV Tonight?

CORBIN and LUCAS: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV

MONIQUE: What's tonight?

VANESSA: It is our first official date. Our first date.

MONIQUE: Uh, hello.

VANESSA: Hi.

MONIQUE: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?

VANESSA: God, oh God Monique, I forgot. This is our first date.

MONIQUE: Yes but my mom got me this job.

ASHLEY: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.

VANESSA: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Ashley, Ashley.

MONIQUE: Really Ash? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

ASHLEY: I can _be_ a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Ashley and Monique.

ASHLEY: It's James Bond.

MONIQUE: Sorry we're late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monique Coleman coming? I was told she was.

MONIQUE: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.

DR. BURKE: Monique? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.

MONIQUE: Thank you. This is my friend Ashley. She's gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Ashley, nice to meet you. [Ashley just giggles when they shake So, how ya been?

MONIQUE: I've been great, just great. How have you been[tilting her head

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Christina and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.

MONIQUE: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating 'How ya doin'? You OK?'

MONIQUE: I'm sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates 'I'm OK.' [tilts head 'You sure?' [bobs head 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.

MONIQUE[her and Ashley tilt their heads Oh, that's too bad.

DR. BURKE[bobbing his head I'll survive.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Corbin is ordering a pizza.

CORBIN: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Coleman-Hudgens, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

LUCAS: What if we have to pee?

CORBIN: I'll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monique and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.

MONIQUE: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.

DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.

MONIQUE: You're an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

ASHLEY[entering the kitchen from the party That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONIQUE: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party Who needs glasses[everyone laughs

ASHLEY: You are so smitten.

MONIQUE: I am not.

ASHLEY: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.

MONIQUE: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.

ASHLEY: So. You two are totally into each other.

MONIQUE: Ashley, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.

ASHLEY: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?

MONIQUE: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.

ASHLEY: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?

MONIQUE: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Zac and Vanessa are returning from a movie.

VANESSA: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.

ZAC: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

VANESSA: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.

VANESSA: Monique.

ZAC: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my step sister's name.

VANESSA: Honey, I'm just checking.

ZAC: Oh.

VANESSA: Monique.

ZAC: Momo.

VANESSA: Monique.

ZAC: Momo.

[Since they're alone they start kissing and Zac's hands work their way down until they're on Vanessa's butt. Vanessa starts laughing.

ZAC: What, what.

VANESSA: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Zac's hands are on my butt. Sorry.

ZAC: And that's, that's funny why?

VANESSA: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.

ZAC: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.

VANESSA: OK. [start kissing again and Vanessa starts lauging again

ZAC: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.

VANESSA: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ZAC: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious.

VANESSA: Just one cheek.

ZAC: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.

VANESSA: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.

ZAC: That's romantic.

VANESSA: C'mon touch it.

ZAC: No.

VANESSA: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ZAC: No.

VANESSA: Rub it.

ZAC: No.

VANESSA: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.

LUCAS: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.

CORBIN: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Lucas removes the Cheeto and eats it

[Zac enters

LUCAS: Hi.

CORBIN and LUCAS: Hey.

LUCAS: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Vanessa?

ZAC: That was 14 hours ago.

CORBIN: So how'd it go?

ZAC: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?

CORBIN: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

LUCAS: She laughed at you?

ZAC: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CORBIN: It's the Miracle Wax.

LUCAS: It certainly is a miracle.

[Vanessa enters

VANESSA: Hi you guys.

CORBIN and LUCAS: Hey.

ZAC: Hey.

VANESSA: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .

CORBIN: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.

[Vanessa and Zac go out in the hall

VANESSA: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.

ZAC: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?

VANESSA: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.

ZAC: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.

[there's a loud bang at the door so Zac opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it

VANESSA: What's this.

CORBIN: Could you get us a couple of beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monique is there for her eye appointment.

DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.

MONIQUE: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.

MONIQUE: Good, they feel good, in my head.

DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.

MONIQUE: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONIQUE: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONIQUE: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.

MONIQUE: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.

MONIQUE: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. They're still watching TV. Ashley stands in front of the TV.

ASHLEY: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.

CORBIN and LUCAS: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

ASHLEY: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

LUCAS: No, inside good, outside bad.

ASHLEY: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, HEROES! OH.

CORBIN: She's one of us now.

[Vanessa and Zac enter

VANESSA: Hi you guys.

ZAC: Hey.

CORBIN, LUCAS, and ASHLEY: Hey.

ZAC: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.

CORBIN, LUCAS, and ASHLEY: Goodnight.

ZAC: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads.

VANESSA: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt.

LUCAS[uses a dentist mirror to see Naa, she's lyin'.

[Monique enters carrying food that's been delivered

MONIQUE: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ZAC: Well, why're you all dressed up?

ASHLEY: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.

ZAC: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONIQUE: No one.

ZAC: C'mon, what's his name?

MONIQUE: Nothing.

ZAC: Come on, tell me.

MONIQUE: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

ZAC: Oh, I promise, what.

MONIQUE: It's Preston Burke.

ZAC: Who's Preston Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.

MONIQUE: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.

ZAC: Doctor Burke is sexy?

VANESSA and ASHLEY: Oh God, absolutely.

ZAC[his beeper goes off It's the museum again, can I, oh.

VANESSA: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONIQUE: When?

VANESSA: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose

ASHLEY: Oh you are so lucky.

VANESSA: I know.

ZAC[on the phone Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.

CORBIN: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Zac is fixing a display, Vanessa is waiting patiently.

ZAC: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner.

VANESSA: It's OK, it's fine.

ZAC: KARL!

[Zac leaves to find Karl. Vanessa takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.

MONIQUE: Wow, is that Ellen?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONIQUE: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.

MONIQUE: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .

MONIQUE: Oh, you're a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONIQUE: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.

MONIQUE: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONIQUE: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONIQUE: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss

MONIQUE: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.

[knock at the door

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONIQUE: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Zac enters the display where Vanessa is waiting.

ZAC: Van.

VANESSA: Oh.

ZAC: I'm done.

VANESSA: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.

ZAC: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.

VANESSA: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?

ZAC: No, no, we won't.

VANESSA: We won't?

ZAC[grabs a fur pelt C'mon.

VANESSA: OK, that's dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Zac and Vanessa enter on stage.

VANESSA: What is this? What are we doing?

ZAC: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?

VANESSA: Grape.

ZAC[spreads the pelt on the floor OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system

VANESSA: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Zac gets up and changes it to music.

ZAC: Sorry.

VANESSA: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ZAC: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

VANESSA: Really?

ZAC: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

VANESSA: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss

ZAC: You're not laughing.

VANESSA: This time it's not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Vanessa tries to pull off Zac's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.

VANESSA: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

ZAC: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

VANESSA: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Vanessa and Zac are sleeping in the display under a fur.

ZAC: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.

ZAC: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them

**CLOSING CREDITS**

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching _Beavis and Butthead_.

[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off

LUCAS: Is that the fire alarm?

CORBIN: Yeah. [feels the floor Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.

LUCAS: Cool.


	15. Chapter 15

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal**

LUCAS: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CORBIN: That's what's weird? Lucas, the man's been captain of a **cereal** for the last 40 years.

[Lucas finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.

CORBIN: Waaa-aaah.

LUCAS: What?

CORBIN: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

LUCAS: Yeah, so.

CORBIN:Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Lucas gets a sheepish look You used my toothbrush?

LUCAS: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CORBIN: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

LUCAS: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CORBIN: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

LUCAS: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Ashley are sitting at the table, Lucas and Corbin enter.**

CORBIN: Hey.

MONIQUE and ASHLEY: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

ASHLEY: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

LUCAS: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

ASHLEY: Ahh.

VANESSA[enters from her room OK, ready when you are.

ASHLEY: Okey-doke.

MONIQUE: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CORBIN: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

VANESSA: Yes, but you can not tell Zac 'cause I want to surprise him.

LUCAS: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

ASHLEY: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CORBIN: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

LUCAS: So where you gettin' it?

ASHLEY: I think on my shoulder. [Zac enters

ZAC: What? What's on your shoulder?

ASHLEY: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

ZAC: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that[to Vanessa Hi.

VANESSA: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

ZAC: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Ashley? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONIQUE: Zac, come sign this birthday card for dad. Preston is gonna be here any minute.

CORBIN: Oooh, Preston is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONIQUE: Well, he's my step parents' best friend, he has to be there.

LUCAS: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONIQUE: Yeah. It's my step dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

ASHLEY: No, I think you should tell them.

MONIQUE: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ZAC: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Preston was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

**[Scene: The Efron house. Monique, Zac, and Preston are arriving to Mr. Efrons birthday party.**

ZAC: Alright, shall we?

MONIQUE: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Zac, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.

ZAC: Monique, Monique, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door We're here.

MRS. EFRON: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONIQUE: Happy birthday dad.

MR. EFRON: Oh thank you.

ZAC: Hi ma.

PRESTON: Happy birthday.

MRS. EFRON: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ZAC: Uh, actually mom, I think Monique thanked him for the both of us.

**[Scene: The Efron kitchen. Monique, Mrs. Efron and one of Mrs. Efron's friends are preparing the cake.**

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. EFRON: No, Preston Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monique sprays whipped cream all over the place

MONIQUE: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. EFRON: Sooo, Preston's shopping in the junior section.

MONIQUE: Are we still on that?

MRS. EFRON: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monique folds her arms over her breasts

**[Scene: Lucas's co-star's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are at the brunch.**

LUCAS: Can you believe this place?

CORBIN: I know, this is a great apartment.

LUCAS: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.

CORBIN: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

LUCAS'S CO-STAR: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.

LUCAS'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

LUCAS: Huh?

LUCAS'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

LUCAS: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

LUCAS'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.

CORBIN[being left behind Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.

**[Scene: Mr. Efron's party. Mr. Efron and a friend are questioning Preston while Zac observes.**

MR. EFRON: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

PRESTON: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. EFRON: C'mon Preston, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ZAC: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. EFRON: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

PRESTON: David, would you let it go?

MR. EFRON: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

PRESTON: Guys. Seriously, it is **not** like that.

MR. EFRON: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ZAC: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. EFRON: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

**[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Ashley and Vanessa are deciding on tattoos.**

ASHLEY: OK Van, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

VANESSA: Well I. . .

ASHLEY: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

ASHLEY: Here we go.

VANESSA[reluctantly Uh-huh.

ASHLEY: You're not going?

VANESSA: Uh-huh.

ASHLEY: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Zac said?

VANESSA: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

ASHLEY: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Zac equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

VANESSA: What's 1922?

ASHLEY: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

VANESSA: Yes I do, it's just that Zac is. . .

ASHLEY: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

VANESSA: No.

ASHLEY: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

VANESSA: You?

ASHLEY: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. **GO**!!

**[Scene: Mr. Efron's birthday party. Monique is in the bathroom and Preston comes in.**

PRESTON: How ya doin'?

MONIQUE: I'm a twinkie.

PRESTON: Really? I'm a hero.

MONIQUE: Oh, this is so hard.

PRESTON: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONIQUE: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

PRESTON: My parents are dead.

MONIQUE: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

PRESTON: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONIQUE: Alright.

PRESTON[walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Efron who is going to the bathroom Starla, **going to the bathroom**, good for you.

MRS. EFRON: Thank you Preston, I appreciate the support.

[Monique jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Efron enters the bathroom, Mr. Efron peeks his head in.

MR. EFRON: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

MRS. EFRON: I have no idea. Did you know Preston has a twinkie in the city?

MR. EFRON: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from _Cocoon_.

MRS. EFRON: I just never would have pictured Preston with a bimbo.

MR. EFRON: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. EFRON: Really.

MR. EFRON: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. EFRON: So David, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. EFRON: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. EFRON[they start kissing Oh David stop.

MR. EFRON: C'mon, it's my birthday.

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are returning from their brunch.**

LUCAS: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

CORBIN: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

LUCAS: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.

CORBIN: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

LUCAS: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CORBIN: What?

LUCAS: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CORBIN: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

LUCAS: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CORBIN: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

LUCAS: Well that's how I feel.

CORBIN: Well then maybe you should take it.

LUCAS: Well then maybe I will.

CORBIN: Fine with me.

LUCAS: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

**[Scene: Mr. Efron's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Efron enter looking particularly refreshed. Monique follows looking rather pale.**

MR. EFRON: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. EFRON: Almost time for cake.

ZAC: Momo, Momo, are you OK?

MONIQUE: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ZAC: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Well, I just caught the live show.

ZAC: Eww.

**[Scene: Mr. Efron's birthday party. Monique and Preston are alone in the kitchen.**

MONIQUE: Hey there.

PRESTON: What?

MONIQUE: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

PRESTON: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Efron and Zac both enter

MRS. EFRON: Preston. Preston. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?

PRESTON: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. EFRON: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monique a call?

PRESTON: That - that's an idea.

MONIQUE: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

MRS. EFRON: Oh?

PRESTON: Oh?

ZAC: Ohh.

MRS. EFRON: She never tells us anything. Zac, did you know Monique's seeing someone?

ZAC: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. EFRON: So, who's the mystery man?

MONIQUE: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. EFRON: A real doctor?

MONIQUE: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Preston

MRS. EFRON: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONIQUE: Mom, it's OK.

PRESTON: It is Starla.

MRS. EFRON: David. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. EFRON[enters with his bat Found it.

ZAC: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat

MRS. EFRON: It seems your daughter and Preston are something of an item.

MR. EFRON: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONIQUE: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. EFRON: You're the twinkie?

PRESTON: She's not a twinkie.

MONIQUE: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. EFRON: Oh please, a relationship.

MONIQUE: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

PRESTON: Really?

MONIQUE: Yes.

MR. EFRON: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONIQUE: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Preston happier.

MR. EFRON: When did I say that?

MONIQUE: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing _Happy Birthday_.

**[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Vanessa is showing Ashley her tattoo.**

ASHLEY: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

VANESSA: I know, so do I. Oh Ashley, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

ASHLEY: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

VANESSA: Ashley we just saw mine, let me see yours.

ASHLEY: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

VANESSA: You didn't get it?

ASHLEY: No.

VANESSA: Why didn't you get it?

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

VANESSA: Ashley, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

ASHLEY: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

VANESSA: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin is at the bar and Lucas enters.**

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .

CORBIN: Yeah me too.

LUCAS: I know. Yeah.

CORBIN: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

LUCAS: No, we're alright.

CORBIN: So I got ya something. [tosses Lucas a bag of plastic spoons

LUCAS: Plastic spoons. Great.

CORBIN: Lick away my man.

LUCAS: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.

CORBIN: What?

LUCAS: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CORBIN: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?

LUCAS: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CORBIN: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

LUCAS: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CORBIN: Well, there you go.

LUCAS: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CORBIN: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

LUCAS: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CORBIN: I did pay for half of it.

LUCAS: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CORBIN: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

LUCAS: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CORBIN: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

LUCAS: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Preston are setting the table.**

MONIQUE: So, are you sorry that I told them?

PRESTON: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Vanessa and Ashley enter

VANESSA: Oh.

MONIQUE: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

VANESSA: Is Zac here?

MONIQUE: No he went out to get pizza.

VANESSA: Oh really, OK. [shows Monique her tattoo

MONIQUE: That's great.

PRESTON: Very tasteful.

ASHLEY: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONIQUE: Yes.

VANESSA: What? You didn't get one.

ASHLEY: OK, well then what is this[shows her bare shoulder

PRESTON: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

ASHLEY: OK, that's my tattoo.

VANESSA: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

ASHLEY: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

VANESSA: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Ashley, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Zac returns

ZAC: You got a tattoo?

VANESSA: Maybe. But just a little one. Ashley got the whole world.

ZAC: Lemme see. [looks

VANESSA: Well?

ZAC: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.

VANESSA: Really?

ZAC: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

VANESSA: I guess.

ZAC: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Vanessa's room

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are playing foosball for the table.**

LUCAS: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CORBIN: Stop talkin' to your men. [Lucas scores

LUCAS: Yes! And the table is mine.

CORBIN: Congratulations. [Corbin leaves

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. The whole gang is helping Lucas pack.**

LUCAS: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

ZAC: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look except when we are here.

ASHLEY: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONIQUE: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

VANESSA: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

LUCAS: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.

CORBIN[quietly Yeah, I remember.

ZAC: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Lucas and Corbin leave.

CORBIN: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

LUCAS: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CORBIN: Thanks.

LUCAS: So, I guess this is it.

CORBIN: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Lucas walks to the door. He stops, turns around.

LUCAS: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

CORBIN: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

LUCAS: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CORBIN: Yeah.

[Lucas walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Corbin a big hug. He then leaves for good and Corbin is left alone in his apartment.


	16. Chapter 16

**Corbin's new roommate is Elijah Kelly (Seaweed in Hairspray)**

**[Scene: Lucas's new apartment. Everyone but Corbin is there. Lucas has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.**

LUCAS: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Lucas. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ZAC: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONIQUE[looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing Wow Lucas, this is, uhh...

LUCAS: Art.

MONIQUE: Art it is.

ZAC[looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.

VANESSA[holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

ASHLEY[looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

LUCAS: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

ASHLEY: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.

LUCAS: Hey, how come, uhh, Corbin didn't come?

ZAC: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

LUCAS: Right, I go-, I got it.

ASHLEY: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

LUCAS: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending Heh?

VANESSA: Hey, nice toilet.

LUCAS: No no no, behind it.

ZAC: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

LUCAS: That's right, I have a phone _in here_.

MONIQUE: Lucas, promise me something.

LUCAS: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Never call me from that phone.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Monique, Corbin, and Zac are seated. Vanessa is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.**

[Someone bumps into Vanessa and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.

VANESSA: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Ashley enters

ASHLEY: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CORBIN: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

ASHLEY: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.

ALL: OK.

ASHLEY: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of _Smelly Cat_.

ALL[congradulating her and celebrating

ASHLEY: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL[celebrating more

ASHLEY: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not

ASHLEY: I'm done now.

ALL[celebrating

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave

VANESSA: Oh God. Zac, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ZAC: Get the what?

VANESSA: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Zac goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves

GUY: What're you doing?

ZAC: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique is outside the bathroom yelling at Zac who's in the bathroom.**

MONIQUE: Damnit Zac, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ZAC: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Vanessa enters with laundry and starts folding

MONIQUE: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

VANESSA: What's goin' on?

MONIQUE: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .

VANESSA: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.

MONIQUE: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

VANESSA: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.

ZAC[comes out All yours.

MONIQUE: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ZAC[in a childish voice I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONIQUE: Shut up.

ZAC[childish voice Shut up.

MONIQUE: Cut it out.

ZAC[childish voice Mi-mi-mii.

[Monique goes in the bathroom

VANESSA[sarcastically I've never wanted you more.

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers**

CORBIN: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him[squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Lucas's apartment, phone rings

LUCAS: Hello.

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey!

CORBIN: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

LUCAS: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CORBIN: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

LUCAS: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CORBIN: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

LUCAS: Oh, well great.

CORBIN: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.

LUCAS: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Corbin Was that the oven timer?

CORBIN: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: The O.C[both turn on TV's

LUCAS: Oh, can you believe they killed off Marissa?

CORBIN: I still can't believe they turned her into a lesbian.

LUCAS: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Rachel Bilson.

CORBIN: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Rachel Bilson?

LUCAS: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CORBIN: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them runnin. All the time, runnin. run. run Rachel, run like the wind.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Lucas is sitting between Monique and Ashley.**

MONIQUE: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

LUCAS: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

ASHLEY: Lucas, why don't you talk to Corbin about moving back?

LUCAS: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONIQUE: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin is sitting between Vanessa and Zac.**

ZAC: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CORBIN: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ZAC: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

VANESSA: Look, Corbin, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CORBIN: But...

ZAC: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.

**[Scene: Recording studio. Ashley is getting ready to record **_**Smelly Cat**_

PRODUCER: OK Ashley, you ready to try one?

ASHLEY: OK. [singing _Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat_ [back up singers start singing _smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly_ behind her Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

ASHLEY: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

ASHLEY: OK. [singing _Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat_ [back up singers - _smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault_ OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

ASHLEY: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

**[Scene: Monique and Corbin's apartment. Zac is on the phone.**

ZAC: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monique comes out of her room Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONIQUE: I _was_.

ZAC: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line Call Joanna. [back on with Tony Hi.

MONIQUE: Did she leave a number?

ZAC: Did you see me write one down?

MONIQUE: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ZAC: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.

MONIQUE: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ZAC: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONIQUE: You wanna get out of my face?

ZAC: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONIQUE: Give me that.

ZAC: OK.

MONIQUE: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Zac who's looking pleased with himself

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Lucas walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.**

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: So uhh, how's the palace?

LUCAS: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CORBIN: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

ELIJAH: Hey Cor, is that Lucas guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CORBIN: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Lucas, this is my new roommate Elijah.

ELIJAH: Nice to meet ya.

LUCAS: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?

ELIJAH: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

LUCAS: Wow.

CORBIN: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

LUCAS: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CORBIN: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.

LUCAS: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CORBIN: Hey Luc. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?

ELIJAH[annoying laugh Is this guy great or what?

LUCAS: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique, Vanessa, and Zac are there.**

MONIQUE: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ZAC: Uh, Elijah something. He just met him.

VANESSA: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

[Ashley enters

ASHLEY: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

ASHLEY: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's _Smelly Cat_ the video.

ALL[cheer

ASHLEY: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Ashley. Everyone watches in disbeliefe

ASHLEY: Oh my God.

ZAC: I know.

ASHLEY: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

VANESSA: Pretty uhm, different huh?

ASHLEY: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment. Lucas stops by. Corbin is reading the paper and Elijah is fixing eggs.**

ELIJAH: Hi Lucas, what's goin' on man?

LUCAS: Elijah.

CORBIN: Morning.

LUCAS: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there Where's the mail?

CORBIN: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

LUCAS: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CORBIN: No, Elijah likes to keep it over there.

ELIJAH: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Elijah, huh?

CORIBN: Oh, ooh.

LUCAS: Huh.

CORBIN: What?

LUCAS: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CORBIN: Well I do, but uh, Elijah makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

ELIJAH: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.

CORBIN: See ya. [Elijah leaves

LUCAS: So how you two gettin' along?

CORBIN: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

LUCAS: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CORBIN: There's another carton right over there.

LUCAS: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CORBIN: Alright, so what's it about?

LUCAS: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CORBIN: Well I like both eggs equally.

LUCAS: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CORBIN: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Zac and Monique are fighting over the remote.**

MONIQUE: I wanna watch _Entertainment Tonight_.

ZAC: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.

VANESSA: Would you guys stop.

MONIQUE: It's my TV.

ZAC: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONIQUE: Bite me.

VANESSA: Oh my God.

ZAC: Well, Monique keeps changin' the channel.

MONIQUE: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.

VANESSA: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Efron dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom

MONIQUE: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ZAC: Well, I guess we could tape _Entertainment Tonight_.

MONIQUE: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Zac, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ZAC: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Momo, Momo, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONIQUE: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ZAC: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONIQUE: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ZAC: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONIQUE: Zac, I hated you when we were kids.

ZAC: You hated me when we were kids?

MONIQUE: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my step brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ZAC: Why did you hate me?

MONIQUE: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ZAC: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONIQUE: Duh-huh!

ZAC: I can't believe you hated me.

MONIQUE: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ZAC: Really?

MONIQUE: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ZAC: I can do that.

MONIQUE: Then I won't have to kill you.

ZAC: So you wanna watch uh, _Entertainment Tonight_?

MONIQUE: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ZAC: What?

MONIQUE: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ZAC: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel

**[Scene: Central Perk. Zac, Vanessa, and Monique are hanging out.**

[Ashley enters

ASHLEY: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

ASHLEY: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

ASHLEY: Yes.

VANESSA: Well, how did you find out?

ASHLEY: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONIQUE: So what're you gonna do?

ASHLEY: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONIQUE: Sure.

ASHLEY: I mean this poor woman.

ZAC: What woman?

ASHLEY: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

VANESSA: OK, Ash. But what about you?

ASHLEY: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment.**

CORBIN: Hey Elijah, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

ELIJAH: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CORBIN[stares in disbeliefe Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off Doesn't matter, time for _The O.C_.

ELIJAH: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CORBIN: You don't like that show?

ELIJAH: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CORBIN: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

ELIJAH: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CORBIN: Oh o-, OK man.

[Lucas's place. He's watching The O.C, laughing. He goes to say something to Corbin in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Corbin but decides not to.

[Corbin's. He's playing foosball by himself.

[Lucas's. Playing ping pong by himself.

[_When there was me and you_ is playing. Corbin is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Lucas through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Lucas is performing **_**Smelly Cat**_

ASHLEY[singing _Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you?_ Everybody.

ALL: _Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault._

ASHLEY: Monique.

MONIQUE[sings _They won't take you to the vet._

ASHLEY: Corbin.

CORBIN[reluctantly sings _You're obviously not their favorite pet._

MONIQUE: Lucas.

LUCAS[sings _It may not be a bed of roses._

ASHLEY: Vanessa.

VANESSA[sings _And you're no friend to those with noses._

ASHLEY: Uh, Zac, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.


	17. Chapter 17

**Elijah's girlfriend is Penny (Amanda Brynes character in Hairspray)**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Everyone except Zac is there watching **_**Grey's Anatomy**_

_ISSY: Oh Ryan._

DR. EVANS: I'm sorry Issy. It's just like Denny to have to have the last word.

[Zac enters

ZAC: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONIQUE: We, we just wanna see the end.

_ISSY: I want you Ryan._

DR. EVANS: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

ISSY: What?

DR. EVANS: There's something I never told you Issy. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.

VANESSA: So what happens next?

LUCAS: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Issy and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CORBIN: God that is good TV.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment. Corbin is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.**

CORBIN: Ash, play with meeee.

ASHLEY: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CORBIN: Ya know Ash, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

ASHLEY: Why don't you play with your roommate?

CORBIN: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.

ASHLEY: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?

CORBIN: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.

ASHLEY: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?

CORBIN: We don't need to remedy that.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Elijah's bedroom door

ELIJAH: What was that?

ASHLEY: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.

ELIJAH: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

ASHLEY: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CORBIN: That was so lame.

ASHLEY: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves

CORBIN: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment. Corbin and Elijah are talking.**

ELIJAH: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?

CORBIN: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

ELIJAH: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...

CORBIN: Well it's not Sean Penn.

ELIJAH: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Penny. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Elijah.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Elijah, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?

**[Scene: Central Perk. Ashley is singing. Monique, Preston, Zac, and Vanessa are listening.**

ASHLEY: _And a said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas._ That's it, thanks, good night.

PRESTON: Ashley's got another job, right?

VANESSA: Great set tonight Ash.

ASHLEY: I know.

ZAC: Well, we should probably get going.

PRESTON: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.

MONIQUE: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

PRESTON: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.

MONIQUE: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ZAC: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONIQUE: Shut up, I'm happy.

ASHLEY: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monique has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

PRESTON: Oh, thank you Ash. That's very sweet.

ASHLEY: Ok.

PRESON: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONIQUE: Not a lot, Ashley's kidding, Ashley's crazy.

VANESSA: Ashley's dead.

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment. Corbin is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.**

PENNY: Hi.

CORBIN: Hi.

PENNY: I'm looking for Elijah Kelly.

CORBIN: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Corbin, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?

PENNY: Thanks.

CORBIN: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

PENNY: I'm Penny.

CORBIN: Oh.

PENNY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.

CORBIN: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

PENNY: He's kind of intense huh?

CORBIN: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Elijah a little...

ELIJAH[walks around corner A little what?

CORBIN: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.

ELIJAH: Hello Penny.

PENNY: Elijah, I just came by to drop off your tank.

ELIJAH: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.

PENNY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

ELIJAH: Bye-bye.

CORBIN: Bye.

[Penny leaves

CORBIN: So, we gettin' a fish?

ELIJAH: You had sex with her didn't you?

**[Scene: Central Perk. Lucas enters with several magazines and runs up to Ashley.**

LUCAS: Ash, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.

ASHLEY: Oh, ooh, Tv guide, oh that's one of my favorite guides.

LUCAS: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

ASHLEY: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Grey's Anatomy' Lucas Grabeel.' Ooh, cool picture.

LUCAS: Ooh, I look good.

ASHLEY: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

LUCAS: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this man to a hospital, he's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this man doesn't get to a hospital, he's not gonna live.'

ASHLEY: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

LUCAS: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

**[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Grey's Anatomy.**

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

**[Scene: Lucas's apartment. The next script is being delivered.**

LUCAS: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.

LUCAS: They can't kill me, I'm the Nazi's long lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

LUCAS: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.

LUCAS: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique, Preston, Zac, and Vanessa are returning.**

MONIQUE: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

PRESTON: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ZAC: G'night.

VANESSA: Night Preston. Good luck Momo.

MONIQUE: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.

PRESTON: Two.

MONIQUE: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

PRESTON: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Christina for 3 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONIQUE: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom

PRESTON: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONIQUE: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

[Vanessa's bedroom

VANESSA: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monique right now.

ZAC: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

VANESSA: Uhhhooo.

ZAC: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

VANESSA: Well, there's you.

ZAC: Better not be doin' these in order.

VANESSA: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Drew, and uh, oh, Enrique.

ZAC: Oh yes, the kid from Madrid.

VANESSA: Oh honey, are you jealous of Enrique? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ZAC: Really?

VANESSA: Oh please. That Enrique thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's apartment.**

CORBIN: Elijah, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

ELIJAH: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CORBIN: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

ELIJAH: Where's Buddy?

CORBIN: Buddy?

ELIJAH: My fish, Buddy.

CORBIN: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

ELIJAH: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CORBIN: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Elijah...[puts his hand on Elijah's shoulder Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon[picks up the fruit an tosses it to Elijah, it hits Elijah in the chest and falls

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Preston are in Monique's bedroom.**

PRESTON: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?

MONIQUE: Well yeah.

PRESTON: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONIQUE: You really ok with it?

PRESTON: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONIQUE: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

PRESTON: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONIQUE: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

PRESTON: Right, and...

MONIQUE: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

PRESTON: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONIQUE: But you've only slept with two people.

PRESTON: Right.

MONIQUE: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

PRESTON: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed

[Zac and Vanessa are in Vanessa's bedroom

VANESSA: Zac, Zac, please listen to me. Zac, you are so much better for me than Enrique ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ZAC: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Enrique over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

VANESSA: God, Zac, look, what you and I have is special, all Enrique and I ever had was...

ZAC: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

VANESSA: Ok, Zac, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Enrique.

ZAC: Knock-knock.

VANESSA: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.

ZAC: Until now. [jumps on Vanessa on the bed

[later in the bathroom Monique is looking in the drawer, Vanessa runs up

VANESSA: Oh, hi.

MONIQUE: Hi. Preston just told me he loves me.

VANESSA: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONIQUE: I know. I just can't find...

VANESSA: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONIQUE: You need one too?

VANESSA: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left

MONIQUE: There's only one.

PRESTON: Monique.

MONIQUE: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door

ZAC[comes out of the bedroom Vanessa. [growls then sees Preston standing there Hey.

PRESTON: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.

ZAC: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?

PRESTON: No.

ZAC: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?

PRESTON: I have a little comb.

ZAC: Oh. And what do you call that?

PRESTON: A moustache comb.

VANESSA: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.

MONIQUE: No.

VANESSA: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONIQUE: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

VANESSA: Agghhh.

ZAC: So were you in Nam?

VANESSA: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONIQUE: Yeah.

VANESSA and MONIQUE: One two three. [Vanessa picks rock, Monique picks scissors

VANESSA: Yeesss.

MONIQUE: Fine, go have sex.

PRESTON: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.

ZAC: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...

VANESSA: Honey.

ZAC: What, what oh...[Zac and Vanessa go into her room

PRESTON: Shall we?

MONIQUE: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

PRESTON: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. All but Lucas are present.**

CORBIN: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONIQUE: Why?

CORBIN: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

ASHLEY: Why would you kill his fish?

CORBIN: Because sometimes, Ashley after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

VANESSA: Corbin honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Lucas's show now please[they turn on the TV

ZAC: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Wait, he's not here yet.

VANESSA: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.

ZAC: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Alright.

CORBIN: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

VANESSA: Oh good.

_DR. EVANS: Issy, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother._

ISSY: Oh Ryan.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. EVANS: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Evans, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. EVANS: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. EVANS: Oh, ok. Alright.

ISSY: I love you Ryan.

DR. EVANS: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

ISSY: Ryan, look out.

DR. EVANS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONIQUE: Did they just kill off Lucas?

ZAC: No. [sound of Dr. Evans's body hitting the bottom of the shaft Now maybe.

**[Scene: Lucas's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.**

ZAC: C'mon.

VANESSA: Lucas.

ZAC: Open up. We want to talk to you.

LUCAS: I don't feel like talkin.

VANESSA: Oh c'mon Lucas, we care about you.

CORBIN: We're worried about you.

MONIQUE: And some of us really have to pee.

[Lucas opens the door

MONIQUE: Sorry Lucas [runs to the bathroom

LUCAS: Hey.

ASHLEY: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CORBIN: We came over as soon as we saw.

ZAC: How could you not tell us?

LUCAS: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

VANESSA: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

LUCAS: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

ASHLEY: But Lucas, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.

LUCAS: Ashley, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

ASHLEY: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monique, she'll have something nice to say.

MONIQUE: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.

CORBIN: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

LUCAS: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CORBIN: I'm sorry man.

VANESSA: Yeah, Lucas honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

LUCAS: No, that means nothin to me.

**[Scene: Corbin and Elijah's walks in to see Elijah holding a tray of cookies.**

CORBIN: Uhhhaahh.

ELIJAH: Pecan sandy, just made em.

CORBIN: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?

ELIJAH: Uh, sure, why not.

CORBIN[throws it across the room while Elijah's not looking Listen Elijah, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?

ELIJAH: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Corbin, you know, after, after you.

CORBIN[looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.

ELIJAH: What's you point man?

CORBIN: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room You big freak of nature.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment.**

[Zac comes out of Vanessa's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Preston comes out of Monique's bedroom in her bathrobe.

ZAC: Hey.

PRESTON: Hey.

ZAC: Hey.

PRESTON: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ZAC: Oh man.

PRESTON: Let's never speak of this.

ZAC: You got it.


	18. Chapter 18

**[Scene: Corbin's bedroom. Corbin is sleeping and Elijah is there watching him.**

[Corbin wakes up

CORBIN: Hey Elijah. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?

ELIJAH: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.

CORBIN: Why?

ELIJAH: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.

CORBIN: I can't sleep now.

ELIJAH: You want me to sing?

CORBIN: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

ELIJAH: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.

CORBIN: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.

ELIJAH: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?

CORBIN: I didn't realize that.

ELIJAH: Yeah.

CORBIN: GET OUT NOW!!

ELIJAH: Ok, you really want me out?

CORBIN: Yes please.

ELIJAH: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.

CORBIN: I want you out.

ELIJAH: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CORBIN: Where did you hear it from before?

ELIJAH: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.

[Elijah leaves the room and Corbin mouths "Thank you" to himself

ELIJAH: I heard that.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Monique and Vanessa are there, Lucas enters wearing an old looking hat.**

LUCAS: Hey.

MONIQUE: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?

LUCAS: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?

MONIQUE: A mirror?

LUCAS: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONIQUE: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

LUCAS: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from square one. I was Dr. Ryan Evans on _Grey's Anatomy_. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.

MONIQUE: Cache? Jaunty?

LUCAS: Corbin gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.

[Ashley enters

ASHLEY: Hey.

MONIQUE: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey.

ASHLEY: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?

MONIQUE: Oh my God, it was incredible.

ASHLEY: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

VANESSA: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?

MONIQUE: Vanessa you have to read this book. It's called _Be Your Own Windkeeper_. It's about how women need to become more empowered.

ASHLEY: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

VANESSA: Men just take out wind?

ASHLEY: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

VANESSA: Wow.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

VANESSA: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like _The Hobbit_.

MONIQUE: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Preston.

ASHLEY: Oh yes, no, Preston would never steal your wind.

MONIQUE: No.

ASHLEY: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONIQUE: Yes. But all the other ones.

ASHLEY: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

LUCAS: Anybody want a croan.

ASHLEY: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

**[Scene: Miss Darbus Talent Agency. Lucas is there.**

DARBUS: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.

LUCAS: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?

DARBUS: Lucas, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

LUCAS: No, can we get back to me?

DARBUS: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for _Heroes_.

LUCAS: Alright. Cab driver number two?

DARBUS: You're welcome.

LUCAS: But I was Dr. Ryan Evans. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

DARBUS: Things change, roll with em.

LUCAS: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

DARBUS: Lucas, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.

LUCAS: I'm sorry. See ya.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Monique, Ashley, and Vanessa are there. Vanessa has just finished reading the book.**

VANESSA: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONIQUE: Isn't it.

VANESSA: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Vanessa'.

ASHLEY: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.

ZAC: Hey you guys.

MONIQUE: Hey.

ZAC: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.

VANESSA: NO!

ZAC: No?

VANESSA: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?

ZAC: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

VANESSA: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONIQUE: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ZAC: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

VANESSA: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ZAC: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.

VANESSA: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.

ASHLEY: Um-um, um-um.

VANESSA: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

**[Scene: Lucas's apartment. Lucas and Zac enter.**

LUCAS: What is it?

ZAC: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.

LUCAS: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.

ZAC: What, what's that?

LUCAS: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.

ZAC: Open it, open in.

LUCAS: Oh my God.

ZAC: Woah.

LUCAS: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?

ZAC: Uh Lucas, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.

LUCAS: Ahh.

ZAC: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?

LUCAS: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

ZAC: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on _Heroes_.

LUCAS: What?

ZAC: That audition.

LUCAS: That's a two line part.

ZAC: Lucas, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

LUCAS: So what.

ZAC: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

LUCAS: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ZAC: Toilet paper?

LUCAS: Yeah.

ZAC: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.

LUCAS: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.

ZAC: I am your friend.

LUCAS: Well then tell me things like, 'Lucas you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ZAC: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

LUCAS: Hey Zac, I'm aware of what I owe.

ZAC: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

LUCAS: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ZAC: Huh, I'm just saying...

LUCAS: Well don't just say.

ZAC: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

LUCAS: Ok.

ZAC: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.

LUCAS: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Ryan Evans. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Zac, you still there?

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin peeks in the door. He doesn't see Elijah so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Elijah pops up from behind the bar.**

ELIJAH: Hey pal.

CORBIN: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Elijah what're you still doin' here?

ELIJAH: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!

CORBIN: Look Elijah, aren't you forgetting anything?

ELIJAH: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.

CORBIN: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Elijah, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?

ELIJAH: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!

CORBIN: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...

ELIJAH: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CORBIN: Your last roommate's kidney?

ELIJAH: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Lucas goes up to the bar to order.**

LUCAS: Hey Drake, let me get a lemonade to go.

DRAKE: Lemonade? You ok man?

LUCAS: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.

DRAKE: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?

LUCAS: I fell down an elevator shaft.

DRAKE: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.

LUCAS: What?

DRAKE: I used to be Drake in The Drake and Josh show.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Corbin is sleeping on the couch. Monique walks by and starts watching him.**

[Corbin wakes up

CORBIN: Daaahhhh!

MONIQUE: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CORBIN: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.

MONIQUE: I wa-

CORBIN: Uuuh.

**[Scene: Corbin's apartment. Corbin is returning from Monique and Vanessa's with his bedding. Elijah is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.**

ELIJAH: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.

CORBIN: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

ELIJAH: What?

CORBIN: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

ELIJAH: You, you want, you want me to move out?

CORBIN: Uh-huh.

ELIJAH: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?

CORBIN: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

ELIJAH: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!

CORBIN: You want some help.

ELIJAH: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket

**[Scene: Lucas is at the cab driver interview.**

LUCAS: _All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks._

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

LUCAS: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

LUCAS: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on _Grey's Anatomy_ as Dr. Ryan Evans, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.

CASTING GUY: That's great.

LUCAS: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.

LUCAS: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. _Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge._ You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique, Vanessa, and Ashley are sitting around the coffee table.**

ASHLEY: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lightning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.

MONIQUE: And I would have to say pah-huh.

ASHLEY: What?

MONIQUE: Do you not remember the puppet guy?

VANESSA: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONIQUE: And his puppet too.

ASHLEY: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.

MONIQUE: Who?

ASHLEY: Paul.

MONIQUE: Oh.

VANESSA: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.

MONIQUE: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.

VANESSA: Not uh, not to my recollection.

MONIQUE: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Van, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

VANESSA: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.

ASHLEY: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.

VANESSA: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monique.

MONIQUE: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.

[Monique goes into her room and slams the door. Vanessa does the same. Ashley, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.

**[Scene: Lucas's apartment. Lucas is watching movers take all his stuff away.**

LUCAS: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.

ZAC[enters Oh my God, what's goin' on?

LUCAS: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.

ZAC: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Lucas.

LUCAS: Thanks Zac.

ZAC: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.

LUCAS: I went.

ZAC: Great, how did it go?

LUCAS: I didn't get it.

ZAC: Good for you.

LUCAS: What?

ZAC: You're livin' the dream.

LUCAS: Huh?

ZAC: All right then.

LUCAS[movers removing a glass parrot Oh, not my parrot.

ZAC: What?

LUCAS: I can't watch this.

ZAC[approaching the mover holding the parrot Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ZAC: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?

LUCAS: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.

ZAC: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound

ZAC: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ZAC: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

LUCAS: Thanks Zac. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Monique and Ashley are sitting ignoring each other. Vanessa walks up with two pieces of cake.**

VANESSA: Here are your cakes.

MONIQUE: We didn't order cake.

VANESSA: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.

MONIQUE: You're right.

VANESSA: You know.

ASHLEY: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.

VANESSA: Thank you. So are we good?

MONIQUE: We're good.

VANESSA: We're good?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

VANESSA: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.

CORBIN[enters Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

MONIQUE: Are you sure this time?

CORBIN: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

ELIJAH[enters Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONIQUE: There is no alley behind Macy's.

ELIJAH: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?

CORBIN: Our next cocktail party?

ELIJAH: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.

CORBIN: Elijah, do you remember yesterday?

ELIJAH: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CORBIN: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?

ELIJAH: Uh, yes.

CORBIN: So what happened?

ELIJAH: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CORBIN: Oh sweet Moses.

MONIQUE: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?

ELIJAH: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONIQUE: Nice.

ELIJAH: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

ASHLEY: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

**[Scene: Hallway outside Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Elijah walks up.**

[Elijah tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Corbin answers the door. He's got the door chained.

CORBIN: May I help you?

ELIJAH: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?

CORBIN: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Elijah forces his head in the door Ahhh. Have we met?

ELIJAH: It's Elijah you freak, your roommate.

CORBIN: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way I already have a roommate. [Lucas turns around in the leather recliner

LUCAS: Hello.

CORBIN: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.

ELIJAH: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CORBIN: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.

LUCAS: I know I would.

ELIJAH: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.

LUCAS: Hey no problem.

CORBIN: See ya. [shuts the door Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?

LUCAS: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CORBIN: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around

LUCAS: A little foos?

CORBIN: Absolutely.

LUCAS: What happened to the foosball?

CORBIN: Ah that's a cantelope.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Lucas's room. Corbin is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.**

CORBIN: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Zac comes over?

LUCAS: He paid a lot of money for it.

CORBIN: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?

LUCAS: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.

CORBIN: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey guys, hope your still enjoying it, sorry about all the Grey's Anatomy references, there just seems to be loads about doctors. btw Moulin Rouge is my fav film, that's why it's in**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Ashley enters to see Monique, Preston, Zac, and Vanessa tearfully watching TV.**

ASHLEY: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

PRESTON: Monique's making us watch _Moulin Rouge_.

ASHLEY: Why are you guys so upset? It's _Moulin Rouge_, it's a happy movie.

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: What're you talkin' about?

ASHLEY: C'mon, The Greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

ZAC: Yeah but Ash, what about the end?

ASHLEY: What when Satine sings to Christian and everyone's happy?

VANESSA: That's not the end.

ASHLEY: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONIQUE: What about the part where she dies?

ASHLEY: She doesn't die, she gets better. That's what my mom said.

PRESTON: Uh, Ashley, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

ASHLEY: What, what's about to happen[starts watching I've never seen this part before.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Preston is on the balcony smoking and Monique is on the phone.**

MONIQUE: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Preston and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[Corbin and Lucas come sprinting in

LUCAS: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONIQUE: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CORBIN: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

LUCAS: Oh, hey, Monique, we've got a question.

MONIQUE: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

LUCAS: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CORBIN: Yeah, Zac can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monique in the shoulder 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONIQUE: Ok. [Preston walks in Hey, why don't you ask Preston?

LUCAS: Ok, uh, hey Preston, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

PRESTON: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CORBIN: Ok, that's Eric.

PRESTON: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony

MONIQUE: I meant, why don't you take Preston to the game? What?

LUCAS: I don't know.

MONIQUE: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.

CORBIN: I don't know, Preston's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monique gives him a glare -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONIQUE: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off

LUCAS: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CORBIN: Ok, this could be tough.

LUCAS[Monique walks back in the kitchen Ok ok ok ok. Monique, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CORBIN: Ooh, you almost had it.

**[Scene: Zac's apartment. Zac is holding Ben.**

ZAC[smells Ben's butt No no, you're fine, you're fine.

KAY[enters with Shelley Hello

ZAC: Hi.

SHELLEY: Hey.

KAY: Hi honey.

ZAC: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

KAY: What?

SHELLEY: What?

ZAC: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

KAY: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SHELLEY: You can watch our tape if you want.

ZAC: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

KAY: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.

ZAC: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-

KAY and SHELLEY: Great. That would be fine.

ZAC: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.

SHELLEY: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ZAC: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Monique and Vanessa are there. Ashley enters carrying video tapes.**

ASHLEY: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey Ashley, whatcha got there?

ASHLEY: Ok, _Titanic_, _The Sixth Sense_, and _The Bodyguard_.

MONIQUE: Wow, all you need now is _Atonement_ and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the _Moulin Rouge_ incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

[Corbin and Lucas enter

CORBIN: Hey.

LUCAS: Hey.

VANESSA: Hey.

MONIQUE: Hey. Where is he, where's Preston? Did you ditch him?

LUCAS: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

MONIQUE: So'd you guys have fun?

CORBIN: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONIQUE: Really?

CORBIN: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Lucas for 12 blocks, me for 15.

VANESSA: Wow, he must like you the best.

LUCAS: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm Hey Corbin, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar.

CORBIN: You're welcome. Hey Lucas, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back.

LUCAS: No problem. Hey Corbin

CORBIN: I think they get it.

LUCAS: Ok.

[Preston enters

CORBIN: There's the man.

LUCAS: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar

PRESTON: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.

LUCAS: Ok. He kept my dollar.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Kay and Shelley are dropping off Ben.**

MONIQUE: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

KAY: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.

SHELLEY: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.

ZAC: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.

KAY: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.

ZAC: Buy mommy.

KAY and SHELLEY: We love you. Bye.

ZAC: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONIQUE: Zac.

ZAC: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Look. [they look at Lucas in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula Lucas, do you know we can see you from here?

LUCAS: How come Preston looks so much cooler with one of these than me?

ZAC: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.

MONIQUE: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Preston.

LUCAS: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Corbin enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache

ZAC: Look it's the artist formerly known as Corbin.

CORBIN: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONIQUE: So Lucas, why didn't you grow a moustache?

LUCAS: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

ZAC: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.

CORBIN: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Preston we'd meet him downstairs.

MONIQUE: You're meeting Preston?

LUCAS: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CORBIN: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONIQUE: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.

CORBIN: You hear that? We're the guys.

LUCAS: We're the guys.

MONIQUE: With that moustache doesn't Corbin remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ZAC: Thank you.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Vanessa is working. Zac enters with Ben.**

ZAC: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.

VANESSA: No luck huh?

ZAC: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.

VANESSA: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length

ZAC: What're you doing?

VANESSA: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ZAC: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

VANESSA: Ok.

ZAC: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.

VANESSA: This is how I would hold a football.

ZAC: Ok, here, here. There we go.

VANESSA: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.

ZAC: It's alright, it's no big deal.

VANESSA: Really?

ZAC: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.

VANESSA: What?

ZAC: What?

VANESSA: You think about stuff like that?

ZAC: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

VANESSA: Two, two babies?

ZAC: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

VANESSA: Then what's gonna happen?

ZAC: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

VANESSA: Uh-huh.

ZAC: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

VANESSA: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ZAC: Huh?

VANESSA: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door[leaves

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Preston are there. Ashley enters.**

ASHLEY: Hey.

PRESTON: Hey Ash, what's happening?

ASHLEY: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONIQUE: So you watched the movies huh?

ASHLEY: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

PRESTON: Charlotte who?

ASHLEY: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONIQUE: Alright, you wanna feel better?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Ok, here, watch this.

ASHLEY: _It's a Wonderful Life_. Yes I've heard of this.

MONIQUE: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

ASHLEY: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, _Pride of the Yankees_, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

PRESTON: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

ASHLEY: Ashley just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CORBIN[runs in Hey, big guy, game time.

PRESTON: Hey, be right there.

MONIQUE: There's a game?

CORBIN: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.

PRESTON: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONIQUE: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

PRESTON: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONIQUE: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

PRESTON: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONIQUE: Oh, then go Vassar.

PRESTON: Uh, they're not in it.

MONIQUE: Ok, then just go.

PRESTON: Ok. [leaves

MONIQUE: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

ASHLEY: Sure.

MONIQUE: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

ASHLEY: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

VANESSA[enters Aghh.

ASHLEY: Me too. [leaves

MONIQUE: I've got a question. Preston made plans again with the guys.

VANESSA: Yeah well, Zac just made plans for the whole century.

MONIQUE: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ZAC[enters Ok, what the hell happened back there?

VANESSA: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ZAC: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

VANESSA: Zac, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ZAC: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

VANESSA: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ZAC: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

VANESSA: What was the book?

ZAC: The big book of childrens' names.

VANESSA: Ok, Zac, Zac, ok listen, what we have is amazing.

ZAC: Yeah.

VANESSA: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Drew, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.

ZAC: Ok fine.

VANESSA: Thank you.

ZAC: We're not done.

VANESSA: I didn't know that.

ZAC: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.

VANESSA: Fine, I will.

ZAC: Good, 'cause I love you.

VANESSA: Oh yeah.

ZAC: Yeah.

VANESSA: Well I love you too.

ZAC: Well that's the first time we've said that.

VANESSA: Yes it is.

ZAC: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.

VANESSA: Well you better.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique is in the kitchen, Ashley enters.**

ASHLEY: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONIQUE: Did you like it?

ASHLEY: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONIQUE: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

ASHLEY: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Corbin and Lucas are playing Preston at foosball.**

CORBIN: Kick save and... denied.

PRESTON: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

LUCAS: Man you are incredible.

PRESTON: Well, we had a table in college.

CORBIN: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

PRESTON: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONIQUE[enters Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

PRESTON: Ok, just one more point.

MONIQUE[grabs the other two bars on Preston's side and scores Score! Now can we go?

CORBIN: See, that's why we don't let her play.

PRESTON: Is everything all right?

MONIQUE: Um-hmm.

PRESTON: Uh-oh.

CORBIN: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

LUCAS: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

PRESTON: Well.

LUCAS: No no, seriously, Corbin and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Corbin starts kicking him below the table I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Preston is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

PRESTON: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

LUCAS: Oh yeah.

CORBIN: No.

LUCAS: Nooooo.

CORBIN: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

PRESTON: Uh-huh, yeah.

CORBIN: No no, seriously, Lucas's my dad, Monique's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

PRESTON: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONIQUE: Nighty-nite.

CORBIN: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.

LUCAS: Not a dad.

CORBIN: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Lucas on the arm. Lucas takes exception and slaps him back

MONIQUE[her and Preston return to her place So are you ok?

PRESTON: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONIQUE: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

PRESTON: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONIQUE: Yeah, well they suck too.

**[Scene: Zac's apartment. Vanessa is changing Ben's diaper under Zac's supervision.**

ZAC: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

VANESSA: Ok Zac, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.

ZAC[doorbell buzzes Hello.

KAY: It's us.

ZAC: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room

VANESSA: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

VANESSA: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Zac, Zac, Ben just said 'Hi'.

ZAC: Wha, what?

VANESSA: Ben just said hi.

ZAC: What, the word hi?

VANESSA: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ZAC: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.

VANESSA: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.

KAY and SHELLEY: Hello.

VANESSA: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.

KAY: What did he say?

ZAC: Something about hi.

SHELLEY: That's so exciting.

KAY: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.

VANESSA: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

KAY: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi.

KAY: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi.

KAY: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi.

KAY: Hi.

SHELLEY: Ok, this could go on for a while.

KAY: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ZAC: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.

KAY: Tuesday.

ZAC: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

VANESSA: Take care.

ZAC: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

VANESSA: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.

SHELLEY: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.

KAY: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.

ZAC: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ZAC: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ZAC: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ZAC: Bye.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Ashley is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.**

_ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey._

ASHLEY[pauses the tape Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again

_ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost._

ASHLEY: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.


	20. Chapter 20

_**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Everyone is there. Monique is watching stock prices on a business channel.**___

LUCAS: Hey Monique, why are we watchin' the business channel?

MONIQUE: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MC, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.

VANESSA: Ok honey, you really need a job.

ZAC: Momo, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.

MONIQUE: Really.

ASHLEY: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.

ZAC: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.

ASHLEY: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a dale...which is my father's last name.

EVERYONE: Ahh.

ASHLEY: And they were serving Mikes which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.

MONIQUE: His indian name?

ASHLEY: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.

ZAC: Freakish.

MONIQUE: Wow.

LUCAS: Freaky.

MONIQUE: Weird, weird.

VANESSA: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

ASHLEY: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.

MONIQUE: Why?

ASHLEY: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.

_**OPENING TITLES**_

__

_**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Zac enter in sweats carrying rackets.**___

CORBIN: Man, I am so beat.

ZAC: Oh yeah.

CORBIN: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?

ZAC: Yeah alright.

[they sit at the couch

BIG BULLY[walks back from the counter Hey you're in our seats.

ZAC: Oh, sorry we didn't know.

LITTLE BULLY[walks back from the counter Hey, we were sitting there.

CORBIN: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?

LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?

CORBIN: No actually, I was just going for colorful.

BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?

LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?

ZAC: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.

[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Corbins hat from behind and puts it on himself

CORBIN: What just happened?

LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.

CORBIN: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CORBIN: No?

BIG BULLY: No.

ZAC: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.

BIG BULLY: Why should we?

ZAC: Because it's a special hat. [Corbin looks at Zac funny See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Corbin...

CORBIN: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?

BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?

CORBIN: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.

_**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Lucas and Vanessa are sitting there and Monique walks in.**___

VANESSA: Hey, how'd the interview go?

MONIQUE: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?

VANESSA: So don't do it.

MONIQUE: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.

LUCAS: Monique, relax, go get a beer.

MONIQUE: I don't want a beer.

LUCAS: Who said it was for you?

ZAC and CORBIN[both enter looking down Hhhiiii.

VANESSA: What's the matter with you?

CORBIN: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.

VANESSA: Noo.

LUCAS: You're kiddin'.

ZAC: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

VANESSA: Oohhh.

ZAC: Hi.

VANESSA: Hi. [Zac turns to Vanessa and they hug

CORBIN: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

LUCAS: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.

CORBIN: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.

MONIQUE[seeing TV Hey, I went up.

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: My stock, MC, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.

LUCAS: Do what?

MONIQUE: Put all my money in me.

VANESSA: Monique, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.

MONIQUE: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.

_**[Scene: Ashley's dad's house. Ashley pulls up in the cab with Vanessa and Lucas in the back.**___

[Ashley slams on the breaks. Lucas and Vanessa are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.

LUCAS: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?

ASHLEY: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.

VANESSA: We love you, we're here for you.

LUCAS: Yeah good luck, good luck.

ASHLEY: Thanks. [gets out of the cab

LUCAS: Hey Van, you uh, you want some sandwich?

VANESSA: Ohh, what is in that?

LUCAS: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.

VANESSA: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.

ASHLEY[a little dog starts attacking her leg Hey, hey, no, oh oh.

VANESSA: Run Ashley run.

ASHLEY: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.

LUCAS: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?

VANESSA: Are you kidding me?

ASHLEY: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window. Ok, alright, we have a problem.

LUCAS: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.

VANESSA: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Lucas's sadwich and throws it out the window

LUCAS: Hey, hey, hey no.

VANESSA: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Lucas, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?

LUCAS: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

ASHLEY: Are you crazy?

LUCAS: Ash, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it. Ahhh.

_**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Zac are sitting at the couch.**___

CORBIN: Hey.

ZAC: What?

CORBIN: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?

ZAC: Do you say this stuff to girls?

BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?

LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.

ZAC: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.

BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.

LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.

BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.

CORBIN: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.

BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.

ZAC: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Drake, these guys are trying to take our seat.

DRAKE: Fellas, these guys were here first.

BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.

LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.

DRAKE: There you go.

ZAC: Thank you Drake. We didn't want to have to go and do that.

LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?

BIG BULLY: You told on us?

ZAC: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie

CORBIN: Don't play with his things.

ZAC: I know.

BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.

ZAC: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?

BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.

CORBIN: You had to ask.

ZAC: Yeah.

[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Zac and Corbin are sitting in and tip back

ZAC: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.

LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.

CORBIN: I think you played the Drake card too soon.

_**[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Ashley's dad's house.**___

LUCAS: Hey Ash, I think you're good to go.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I don't know.

VANESSA: What's the matter?

ASHLEY: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.

VANESSA: Yeah Ashley, I completely understand.

LUCAS: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?

ASHLEY: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again

[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.

ASHLEY[innocently What was that?

LUCAS: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

_**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Lucas is eating breakfast, Vanessa has just gotten up, and Monique is on the phone.**___

MONIQUE: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.

VANESSA: Time is money my friend?

LUCAS: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'

MONIQUE: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?

LUCAS: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.

VANESSA: How did you make $17.

MONIQUE: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.

LUCAS: How come those?

MONIQUE: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.

VANESSA: What happened to uh, MC.?

MONIQUE: MC was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.

LUCAS: That is so not my motto.

ASHLEY[enters Hey.

VANESSA: Hey Ash. Oh hey, how's the dog?

ASHLEY: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.

LUCAS: Good.

VANESSA: Oh, thank God.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

VANESSA: Ok, so Ashley, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?

ASHLEY: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Ashley, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'

LUCAS: Hey Ash, if you want, I'll do it.

ASHLEY: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monique

MONIQUE: _**DON'T**__...be too long with the phone._

VANESSA: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.

LUCAS[dials the phone It's a woman.

ASHLEY: So talk to her.

LUCAS[in a fake voice Uhh, hello Miss Tisdale. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up

VANESSA: Why the voice.

LUCAS[in the voice Hard to say.

_**[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's apartment. Zac is sitting at the bar, Corbin serves up two mugs of hot water.**___

CORBIN: Your cappucino sir.

ZAC: Thank you.

[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix

CORBIN: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.

ZAC: Absolutely.

[they both stir their coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs

ZAC: How come it's not mixing with the water?

CORBIN: Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.

[they both try to drink while continuously stirring

LUCAS[walks out of his room Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my niece's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Lucas' there.

CORBIN: Ok.

ZAC: No.

CORBIN: No?

ZAC: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Lucas with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.

CORBIN: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.

LUCAS: Yeah really, Zac, have you ever been beaten up before?

ZAC: Yeah, sure.

LUCAS: By someone besides Monique?

ZAC: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.

CORBIN: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.

_**[Scene: Outside Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa is returning.**___

MONIQUE[Opens the door I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Vanessa inside I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

VANESSA: For what?

MONIQUE: I've gotta get back in the game.

VANESSA: Why, when did you get out of the game?

MONIQUE: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.

VANESSA: Oh no.

MONIQUE: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.

VANESSA: Ok. Look uhh, Momo I'm, I'm really sorry.

MONIQUE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?

VANESSA: I, I don't have it.

MONIQUE: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.

VANESSA: Nobody does honey.

_**[Scene: Ashley's dad's house. Ashley is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.**___

ASHLEY: Hi.

MRS TISDALE: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?

ASHLEY: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.

MRS TISDALE: What are these, stitches?

ASHLEY: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.

MRS TISDALE: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.

ASHLEY: Sure, oh, is, is Mike home.

MRS TISDALE: How do you know Mike?

ASHLEY: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?

MRS TISDALE: Yeah. Mike.

MIKE: Yeah. What[a young guy comes around the corner

ASHLEY: Oh, ok, um, I mean Mike senior.

MRS TISDALE: He went out for groceries.

ASHLEY: Ok so will he be back soon?

MRS TISDALE: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.

ASHLEY: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.

[she turns to leave, Mike follows

MIKE: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?

ASHLEY: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.

MIKE: Heavy.

ASHLEY: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Ashley?

MIKE: No but he didn't really talk about anything.

ASHLEY: Oh.

MIKE: Except stilts.

ASHLEY: Stilts?

MIKE: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.

ASHLEY: Wow.

MIKE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.

MIKE: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MIKE: This is huge, you can buy me beer.

ASHLEY: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'

MIKE: I gotta friend named Mark.

ASHLEY: That'll work too.

MIKE: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that'd be ok.

MIKE: Alright.

ASHLEY: Ok, I'm in the book.

MIKE: Ok, yeah.

ASHLEY: Alright. So um, stilts huh?

MIKE: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.

ASHLEY: Ok.

_**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin and Zac are sitting on the couch nervously.**___

ZAC: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?

CORBIN: Would you come on! Come on[waitress brings their coffee Thank you.

[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks

CORBIN: Ah, there we go.

ZAC: I think we proved our point.

CORBIN: You burn your mouth?

ZAC: Cannot feel my tounge.

[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.

CORBIN: Bullies, big bullies.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.

BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.

ZAC: Yes, and that's why we're here.

CORBIN: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.

LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.

ZAC: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?

LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.

CORBIN: Alright, let's do this.

LITTLE BULLY: Alright.

[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight

CORBIN: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?

ZAC: Whad'ya mean?

CORBIN: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.

BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.

CORBIN: Ok. [reaches in his pocket

BIG BULLY: Or your keys.

CORBIN: Ok.

LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.

[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight

ZAC: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?

BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?

ZAC: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.

LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.

BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?

BIG BULLY: Yeah.

CORBIN: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?

BIG BULLY: C'MON!

ZAC: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.

CORBIN: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff[some guy runs off with the hat

ZAC: Hey.

BIG BULLY: Hey.

[they all run off after the guy

_**[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.**___

ZAC: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.

LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.

ZAC: Yeah he was wasn't he.

CORBIN: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.

BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.

ZAC: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?

LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.

ZAC: Alright.

CORBIN: Ok so, can I have my hat back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CORBIN: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch

_**CLOSING CREDITS**_

__

_**[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monique is working the grill, the rest are at a table.**___

VANESSA: Look at her.

CORBIN: Hi Monique.

LUCAS: He-he-he, how's it goin'?

ASHLEY: Hey nice boobs.

CORBIN: Guys guys, check this out.

[Corbin puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. What Time Is it starts playing and Monique and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Corbin pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.

LUCAS: Excellent.


	21. Chapter 21

**[Scene: Moondance Diner. Zac, Ashley, Lucas, and Corbin are sitting at the counter, Monique is working. Monique is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.**

MONIQUE: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Vanessa's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.

ALL: Ohhh.

MONIQUE: What?

ZAC: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

MONIQUE: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

ZAC: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

LUCAS: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

ZAC: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.

MONIQUE: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.

[Lucas is staring at Monique's breasts

MONIQUE: Lucas they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast honk honk.

CORBIN: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Corbin, Zac, Lucas, Ashley, and Monique are planning Van's birthday party.**

ZAC: I talked to Vanessa's sisters, neither of them can come.

MONIQUE: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.

LUCAS: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.

ASHLEY: Why not her?

LUCAS: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.

CORBIN: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Lucas just slept with her and never called her back.

MONIQUE: Lucas that is horrible.

LUCAS: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

LUCAS: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.

[Vanessa enters

ZAC: Hi honey, how did it go?

VANESSA: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.

CORBIN: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

VANESSA: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.

MONIQUE: So what happened?

VANESSA: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.

ASHLEY: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.

MONIQUE: Well, how bout just her mom?

CORBIN: Why her mom?

MONIQUE: Cause I already invited her.

ASHLEY: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?

LUCAS: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Corbin, Lucas, Monique, and Ashley are setting up for the party.**

ASHLEY: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?

MONIQUE: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.

CORBIN: Excuse me?

MONIQUE: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.

LUCAS: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Vanessa, here's some goo.

[knock at the door

MONIQUE[answers the door Dr. Hudgens. Oh my God it's Vanessa's dad. What're you doing here?

MR. HUDGENS: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?

MONIQUE: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.

MR. HUDGENS: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.

MONIQUE: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Vanessa knows. Um, this is Ashley and Corbin and Lucas.

MR. HUDGENS: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Vanessa comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?

CORBIN: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?

[knock at the door, Monique answers to see Mrs. Hudgens

MRS. HUDGENS: Hi Monique.

[Monique slams the door back shut

MONIQUE: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.

CORBIN: So, basically just a Chinese guy.

LUCAS: Uh, hey, Dr. Hudgens, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Vanessa's bed.

MR. HUDGENS: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Vanessa's bedroom

MRS. HUDGENS: Well, my goodness, what was that?

MONIQUE: Gina, I am so sorry, I thought you were Vanessa and we just weren't ready for you yet.

MRS. HUDGENS: You thought I was Vanessa?

CORBIN: Yes because uh, you look so young.

ASHLEY: And because you're both, you know, white women.

MRS. HUDGENS: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?

CORBIN: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.

MRS. HUDGENS: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Corbin takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Corbin, remembering that Lucas and Mr. Hudgens are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Lucas peeks out

ASHLEY[cutting Mrs. Hudgens off Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom

MONIQUE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

CORBIN: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?

LUCAS[peeks back out Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-[sees that the coast is clear oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.

MONIQUE: So uh, Lucas and Corbin, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Hudgens over to your place.

CORBIN: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?

MONIQUE: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.

LUCAS: Right this is staging.

CORBIN: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.

LUCAS[as they're walking out, Dr. Hudgens questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall

**[Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Corbin is showing people to the parties.**

CORBIN: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monique's apartment and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Corbin blocks them and shoos them off to Monique's apartment Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.

MONIQUE: Corbin could you at least send some women to my party[buzzer goes off Alright that's Zac.

CORBIN: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monique's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment

VANESSA: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.

ZAC: Thanks for being born.

VANESSA: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

ZAC: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.

VANESSA: Now I love you even more.

[they kiss and Zac backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights

ALL: Surprise.

VANESSA: Oh my gosh, wow. Monique. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.

MRS. HUDGENS: Happy birthday sweetie.

VANESSA: Wow you, you. I had no idea.

ZAC: Really?

VANESSA: No, I knew.

ZAC: All right.

MONIQUE: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.

ZAC: What?

VANESSA: What?

MONIQUE: Right now, Lucas and Corbin's, go now.

VANESSA: Why.

MONIQUE: Just go.

[they walk across the hall

ALL: Surprise.

MR. HUDGENS: Happy birthday sweetpea.

VANESSA: Daddy.

**[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Corbin and Lucas's. Vanessa is talking to Corbin and Zac.**

VANESSA: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?

CORBIN: Well, we could count again.

VANESSA: I can't believe this is happening.

ZAC: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.

VANESSA: I do.

ZAC: That's who.

CORBIN: Look, are you gonna be ok?

VANESSA: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

CORBIN: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

VANESSA: What?

CORBIN: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monique, she's on the food committee.

**[Time lapse. Corbin runs out of the bathroom.**

CORBIN: Lucas, Lucas. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.

LUCAS: Quick volleyball question.

CORBIN: Volleyball.

LUCAS: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

CORBIN: Lucas, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.

GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.

CORBIN: Ok, that's me. [runs back

VANESSA: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

ZAC: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

VANESSA: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.

**[Back in Monique's party**

MONIQUE: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

**[Back in Corbin and Lucas's party**

ZAC: Hi Dr. Hudgens. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery...game?

MR. HUDGENS: It's not a game Zac, a woman died on my table today.

ZAC: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

**[Back in Monique's party**

MONIQUE: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Drake starts to walk to the door) Drake, where're you going?

DRAKE: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...

MONIQUE: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.

ASHLEY: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

DRAKE: No, she'll yell at me again.

ASHLEY: Alright, I can get you out.

DRAKE: What?

ASHLEY: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

**[Back at Corbin and Lucas's party**

MR. HUDGENS: I think I need a drink.

ZAC: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?

MR. HUDGENS: Scotch.

ZAC: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.

MR. HUDGENS: Neat.

ZAC: Cool.

MR. HUDGENS: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.

ZAC: I know.

**[Back at Monique's party**

MR. HUDGENS: Oh hello Zac, where have you been?

ZAC: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.

MRS. HUDGENS: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Vanessa's father's drink.

ZAC: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me[walks out in the hallway, Mr. Hudgens is walking out of Corbin and Lucas's apartment Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?

MR. HUDGENS: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.

ZAC: No. no.

MR. HUDGENS: Whad'ya mean no?

ZAC: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.

MR. HUDGENS: Get my glasses too.

ZAC: All righty roo. [closes the door What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses

MONIQUE: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monique, your party sucks.' Very funny.

ASHLEY: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?

MONIQUE: What[she runs over to where Ashley is, Ashley signals for Drake to go I don't see anything.

ASHLEY: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

MRS. HUDGENS: Zac, whose glasses are those?

ZAC: Mine.

MRS. HUDGENS: You wear bi-focals?

ZAC: Um-hmm. [puts them on I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.

MRS. HUDGENS: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?

VANESSA: Well those are very popular frames.

ZAC: Neil Sedaka wears them.

GUY[to Ashley I hear you can get people out of here.

MRS. HUDGENS: Vanessa, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.

VANESSA: Yeah, like a chimney.

ZAC: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Hudgens in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go out into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Hudgens

MR. HUDGENS: Are you wearing my glasses?

ZAC: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Hudgens I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

MR. HUDGENS: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?

ZAC[pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Hudgens Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.

**[Back in Monique's party. Ashley is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.**

ASHLEY: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.

GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?

ASHLEY: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

ASHLEY: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.

GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?

ASHLEY: Everything you've heard is true.

**[Back at Corbin and Lucas's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.**

MONIQUE: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.

[Corbin and Lucas stop dancing and laugh at her

MONIQUE: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Drake! What are you doing here?

DRAKE: Um [gestures to dance floor

ASHLEY[enters with the three people she got out Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.

MONIQUE: Ashley.

ASHLEY: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.

MONIQUE: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind

**[Back at Monique's party**

VANESSA: You want me to see a therapist?

MRS. HUDGENS: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.

VANESSA: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.

**[Corbin and Lucas's party**

MR. HUDGENS: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.

VANESSA: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.

[Monique's party

MRS. HUDGENS: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.

[Corbin and Lucas's party

MR. HUDGENS: You work and you work and you work on a boat...

MRS. HUDGENS: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...

MR. HUDGENS: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...

MRS. HUDGENS: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.

MR. HUDGENS: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...

MRS. HUDGENS: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...

MR. HUDGENS: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...

MRS. HUDGENS: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...

MR. HUDGENS: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...

**[Scene: The hallway after the party. Vanessa is sitting there.**

CORBIN[running out of his apartment after a girl Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Vanessa Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.

VANESSA: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Corbin how did you get through this?

CORBIN: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.

VANESSA: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.

CORBIN: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

VANESSA: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Stella would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...

CORBIN: I, I know. [Hugs her. Zac walks out and Corbin puts her in his arms.

**[Scene: Monique's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.**

MONIQUE: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.

MRS. HUDGENS: Alright, Monique dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.

MONIQUE: Ok will do. So glad you came.

MRS. HUDGENS: I think I saw Vanessa out in the hall.

MONIQUE: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.

VANESSA: Oh ok.

MRS. HUDGENS: Happy birthday sweetie.

VANESSA: Ok.

[Mr. Hudgens opens the door to Corbin and Lucas' apartment. Zac sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.

LUCAS: Ahh, you drive safe.

MRS. HUDGENS: Zac, what're you doing.

ZAC: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Hudgens opens the door which pulls Zac in How are you doing?

CORBIN: Well, uh, Dr. Hudgens, where are you going?

MR. HUDGENS: To get my coat.

GUYS: No no no.

MR. HUDGENS: Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.

[the guys form a wall between Mrs Hudgens and Mr Hudgens and dance across the hall as he walks across

CORBIN: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

ASHLEY: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.

MR. HUDGENS: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.

ASHLEY: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.

LUCAS: Thanks for coming Mrs. Hudgens. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Hudgens leaves. Well, ok, you take care.

MRS. HUDGENS: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.

MONIQUE: Thank you.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.**

MONIQUE: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

CORBIN: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

LUCAS: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

MONIQUE: Ok, that's enough.

ASHLEY: Ok Vanessa, make a special flan wish.

VANESSA: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan Wow, those things almost never come true.


	22. Chapter 22

**[Scene: Central Perk. Vanessa, Monique, Lucas, and Corbin are there.**

[Vanessa brings a muffin to Corbin and Monique who are sitting on the couch.

VANESSA: Ok, Corbin, Momo, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.

[Vanessa holds the tray between them. Corbin grabs the muffin before Monique can.

MONIQUE: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CORBIN: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...

MONIQUE: Give it to me.

CORBIN: No.

MONIQUE: Give it to me.

CORBIN: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.

MONIQUE[She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim. There you go, enjoy your coffee.

CORBIN: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.

ASHLEY[enters Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

MONIQUE[Corbin tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin. Quick, Ashley, tell us before he can swallow.

ASHLEY: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.

[Corbin is visibly upset

VANESSA: You went out with a guy in the Navy?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

LUCAS: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?

ASHLEY: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.

VANESSA: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?

[Once again, Corbin has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.

MONIQUE: That'll teach you to lick my muffin. 

ZAC[enters Hiii.

LUCAS: Oh no, what happened?

ZAC: Well, I just spoke to Kay. Ben's got the chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ZAC: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

VANESSA: Well I've had it.

LUCAS: Yeah, I've had it.

MONIQUE: Had it.

CORBIN: Had it.

ASHLEY: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm. Oh look!

**OPENING TITLES**

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Preston are in her bedroom.**

MONIQUE: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

PRESTON: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monique starts to remake the bed.

PRESTON: Monique... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monique jumps on the bed, trying to cover it. Hey Momo, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

MONIQUE: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

PRESTON: What're you doing?

MONIQUE: Just waiting for you sweetie.

PRESTON: Are you remaking the bed?

MONIQUE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.

PRESTON: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONIQUE: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

PRESTON: You're pretty much running that risk either way.

MONIQUE: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.

PRESTON: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONIQUE: I'm just easing you in.

PRESTON: Oh, alright.

MONIQUE: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.

PRESTON: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

MONIQUE: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

**[Scene: Corbin's office. Lucas is there.**

CORBIN: Hey, look Lucas, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.

LUCAS: But don't you need experience for a job like that?

CORBIN: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT[enters Hey Corbin, here's this morning's projections.

CORBIN: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Lucas Grabeel. Lucas is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

LUCAS: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

LUCAS: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.

CORBIN: I was just telling Lucas about the opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

LUCAS: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves Are all you processors dorks?

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique and Vanessa are doing Ashley's makeup.**

VANESSA: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.

MONIQUE: You look fabulous honey, you really do.

ASHLEY: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.

VANESSA: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.

ASHLEY: I, I, I'm hideous.

MONIQUE: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.**

ASHLEY: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Ashley is sitting by the window in a veil.

ASHLEY: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

ASHLEY: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

ASHLEY: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

ASHLEY: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.

RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

ASHLEY: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

ASHLEY: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

ASHLEY: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.

ASHLEY: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror. Oh, I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

ASHLEY: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

RYAN: Ashley, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.

ASHLEY: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

**[Scene: Corbin's office. Lucas enters.**

LUCAS: Hey.

CORBIN: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

LUCAS: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

CORBIN: Well there you go.

LUCAS: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

CORBIN: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?

LUCAS: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?

CORBIN: Weird world. Your kids?

LUCAS: I figure my character has kids.

CORBIN: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

LUCAS: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Lucas the processor guy, has two little girls, Christina and Britney. Christina copies everything Britney does.

CORBIN: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

LUCAS: Yeah. Lucas and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.

CORBIN: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Ashley and Ryan are playing Monopoly.**

RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?

ASHLEY: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

ASHLEY: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice. Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself. Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

ASHLEY: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

ASHLEY: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

ASHLEY: No. Here. [Throws them on the table. There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.

ASHLEY: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.

RYAN: No.

ASHLEY: Give it.

RYAN: No.

ASHLEY: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.

RYAN: Oh God help me.

ASHLEY: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Zac and Vanessa enter.

VANESSA: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ZAC: You know, I might have expected this of you Ashley, but Ryan, you're a military man.

**[Scene: Corbin's office building. Lucas and Jeannie are talking.**

LUCAS: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

LUCAS: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Lucas.

LUCAS: What a phony.

CORBIN: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.

LUCAS: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bleu, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?

CORBIN: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.

LUCAS: Yeah Bleu, what's that about?

CORBIN: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

LUCAS: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

CORBIN: Uh, if you say so sir.

LUCAS: Lucas's good, isn't he?

CORBIN: Well, I'm going to kill you.

LUCAS: Hey, hey, I just figure Lucas's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

CORBIN: Why?

LUCAS: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Lucas does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Monique enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Preston is sitting on the bed.**

PRESTON: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?

MONIQUE: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

PRESTON: You're strict.

MONIQUE: It's for their own good.

PRESTON: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

MONIQUE: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

PRESTON: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

MONIQUE: Very good.

PRESTON: Thank you.

MONIQUE: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.

PRESTON: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONIQUE: I'm gonna set them to my time.

PRESTON: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.

MONIQUE: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

PRESTON: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.

MONIQUE: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.

PRESTON: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONIQUE: No. See you don't understand.

PRESTON: Come on.

MONIQUE: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.

PRESTON: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONIQUE: Oh yeah.

PRESTON: Yeah.

MONIQUE: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

PRESTON: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.

MONIQUE: What if they get mixed up?

PRESTON: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.

MONIQUE: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

PRESTON: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

**[Scene: Corbin's office. Corbin is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Lucas walks in, waking up Corbin who covers by pretending to write on the paper.**

LUCAS: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CORBIN: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

LUCAS: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CORBIN: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?

LUCAS: Becasue at first he thought it was Lucas. But after he asked Lucas about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.

CORBIN: Alright, that's it. Look Lucas, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Lucas, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

LUCAS: What're you talking about, everybody loves Lucas.

CORBIN: I don't, I hate Lucas, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.

LUCAS: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Lucas. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CORBIN: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Lucas but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

LUCAS: Karen.

CORBIN: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

LUCAS: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

CORBIN: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Cordy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

LUCAS: Really?

CORBIN: No freakshow, she's fictional.

LUCAS: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CORBIN: Thank you.

LUCAS: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Lucas. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Corbin pushes him out the door by the face.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Vanessa and Zac are in the kitchen. Ashley is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.**

ASHLEY: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.

VANESSA: No sorry hon, Monique's orders.

RYAN[Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands. Well that wasn't easy.

ZAC: Ok, dinner's on.

VANESSA: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

ZAC: Alright you kids, bye now.

ASHLEY and RYAN: Bye. [waving

ZAC: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.

ASHLEY: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.

[Zac and Vanessa leave.

RYAN: Wine?

ASHLEY: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Ashley's mits.

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

ASHLEY: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.

RYAN[Puts his hands over Ashley's ears. I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

ASHLEY: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

ASHLEY: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.

ASHLEY: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.

[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Zac enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.

**[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's apartment. Preston and Monique are in bed.**

PRESTON: Monique, wake up. Monique.

MONIQUE: What's up?

PRESTON: I thought of a thing.

MONIQUE: Yeah?

PRESTON: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

MONIQUE: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

PRESTON: Or so I would have you believe.

MONIQUE: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

PRESTON: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.

MONIQUE: Alright, go on.

PRESTON: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONIQUE: Oh my God, you're a freak.

PRESTON: Yeah. How 'bout that.

**[Scene: Central Perk. Ashley, Vanessa, Zac, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.**

VANESSA: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ZAC: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

VANESSA: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ZAC: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.

RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.

ASHLEY: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ZAC: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

VANESSA: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Ashley and Ryan walk outside.

VANESSA: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?

ZAC: You like that do ya?

VANESSA: Oh yeah.

ZAC: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.

VANESSA: Ok.

[Outside with Ashley and Ryan.

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?

ASHLEY: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.

RYAN: Taxi.

ASHLEY: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Ashley is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.

**CLOSING CREDITS**

**[Scene: Central Perk. Vanessa is closing. Zac walks in in a uniform.**

VANESSA: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ZAC: Is this what you had in mind?

VANESSA: I'll say.

[Zac picks her up.

ZAC: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

VANESSA: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out. Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off. Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse. Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ZAC: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.


	23. Chapter 23

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Lucas enters

VANESSA: Hey Lucas, how'd the audition go?

LUCAS: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

LUCAS: All right. I'll give you one hint. Ang Lee.

ALL: Wow!

LUCAS: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CORBIN: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

LUCAS: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ZAC: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Vanessa looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.

LUCAS: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONIQUE: Then what's the problem?

LUCAS: See after the scene, Mr. Lee comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.

ASHLEY: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Ang Lee know about kissing (Corbin and Monique, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: continued from earlier

CORBIN: Hey, what did your agent say?

LUCAS: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Lee wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.

MONIQUE: What, forget it!

VANESSA: Yeah, right.

LUCAS: Come on, I need your help here.

ASHLEY: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.

LUCAS: You see this, this is a friend.

ASHLEY: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

LUCAS: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?

MONIQUE: Lucas, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

LUCAS: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Zac)

ZAC: Over my dead body! (Lucas looks at Corbin)

CORBIN: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's, Ashley, Monique, and Preston are there

ZAC: (entering from Vanessa's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.

(Vanessa enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monique and Preston both stare in shock)

ASHLEY: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!

VANESSA: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.

ZAC: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

VANESSA: Because I promised Erin I would.

MONIQUE: Yeah, well you promised Drew, you'd marry him. (Vanessa glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Preston's legs)

VANESSA: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.

(Corbin enters, sees Vanessa in the dress and starts laughing)

ASHLEY: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?

CORBIN: I may have.

MONIQUE: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ZAC: What's she look like?

CORBIN: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONIQUE: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CORBIN: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...

ZAC: Get out!

VANESSA: Nooo!

MONIQUE: Please!

CORBIN: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

VANESSA: Wow! What's that like?

CORBIN: It's like this, me, no jokes.

ASHLEY: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.

PRESTON: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Preston.

MONIQUE: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.

PRESTON: I love you, too.

(Monique stares longingly at the door, after Preston leaves)

ASHLEY: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONIQUE: What are you talking about? What wedding?

ASHLEY: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONIQUE: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

VANESSA: Afraid to ask him?

MONIQUE: Could not be more terrified.

CORBIN: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Vanessa another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monique and Vanessa's, Preston and Monique are playing with Ben.

MONIQUE: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.

PRESTON: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.

MONIQUE: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.

PRESTON: Okay.

MONIQUE: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?

PRESTON: Sure I do.

MONIQUE: Yeah, am I in it?

PRESTON: Honey, you are in it.

MONIQUE: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.

PRESTON: Oh, yeah!

MONIQUE: Keep talkin'.

PRESTON: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.

MONIQUE: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

PRESTON: Like a hound?

MONIQUE: Not a basset, a bassinet.

PRESTON: You really need the bassinet?

MONIQUE: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.

PRESTON: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONIQUE: Uh-huh.

PRESTON: Look I want you, now.

MONIQUE: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's, Corbin, Lucas, and Ashley are there, Corbin is talking to his new friend on the internet.

LUCAS: Come on, Corbin, I want this part soo much. (Corbin ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.

CORBIN: Lucas, no means no!

[Vanessa, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Zac enter

VANESSA: Hey!

CORBIN: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.

LUCAS: Aww, Van, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Zac) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).

ZAC: Get away from me I said no!

MONIQUE: (entering) Preston buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.

LUCAS: Oh, Preston's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out)

ALL: Bye.

ASHLEY: Bye, good luck.

(Vanessa, Zac, and Monique exit)

ASHLEY: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).

CORBIN: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

ASHLEY: What does she mean by HH?

CORBIN: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.

ASHLEY: Are you the cutest?

CORBIN: I'm afraid I might just be.

ASHLEY: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CORBIN: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.

ASHLEY: It could be like a big giant guy.

LUCAS: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monique kneed me in the back. What's going on?

ASHLEY: We were just wondering if Corbin's girlfriend is a girl.

LUCAS: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CORBIN: How do you not fall down more?

ASHLEY: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'

CORBIN: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!

ASHLEY: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CORBIN: I can't believe she's married.

LUCAS: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Corbin's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).

[Scene: Drew and Erin's wedding, Monique and Preston are standing in the lobby

MONIQUE: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.

PRESTON: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Preston's poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONIQUE: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.

PRESTON: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Zac is looking for Vanessa

ZAC: Hey, there.

VANESSA: Hi.

ZAC: Are you all right?

VANESSA: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.

ZAC: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

VANESSA: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

VANESSA: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ZAC: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

VANESSA: Thank you, Okay, Okay.

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Zac and Vanessa are in the lobby

VANESSA: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ZAC: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Vanessa, your butt is showing!'

VANESSA: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.

ZAC: Van, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.

VANESSA: Oh Zac, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Vanessa!

VANESSA: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.

MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

VANESSA: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

ERIN: (entering) Van! Van!

VANESSA: Oh, hi!

ERIN: Oh my God, I'm married!

VANESSA: I know.

ERIN: I'm Mrs. Dr. Drew Annis hyphen Seeley.

VANESSA: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Erin.

DREW: (entering) Erin. Oh Van, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

VANESSA: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?

ERIN: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Drew's parents told people that you were sort of...insane.

VANESSA: Insane!

ERIN: ...from the syphilis.

VANESSA: What?!

DREW: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's, Ashley, Corbin, and Lucas are there, Lucas is on the phone.

LUCAS: Angela? Lucas Grabeel. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him...Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into  
his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

ASHLEY: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?

CORBIN: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

ASHLEY: Oh, my.

CORBIN: What?

ASHLEY: She wants to meet you in person.

CORBIN: Hey, look, Ashley I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.

ASHLEY: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

CORBIN: Okay, I'll do it!

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Corbin runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Corbin runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Corbin runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Corbin walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Drew and Erin's reception, Monique and Preston are sitting at a table, and Monique is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.

MONIQUE: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

PRESTON: Okay, last chance. (Monique throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Preston turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.

MONIQUE: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Drew got home from his first date with Vanessa...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Drew) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Vanessa...

VANESSA: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)

ZAC: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...

VANESSA: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ZAC: Most of you don't know me, I'm Vanessa's boyfriend.

VANESSA: Oh dear God.

ZAC: Zac, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Vanessa to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Drew because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Drew is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.

VANESSA: (to Zac) She you in the parking lot.

ZAC (runs after her) No, Van!

DREW: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?

VANESSA: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Drew, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least one of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I  
really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except...(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."

ZAC: Marenge,

VANESSA: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."

ZAC: Everybody!

VANESSA: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa...

[Scene: later, Preston and Monique are dancing

PRESTON: Okay, I'll do it.

MONIQUE: You'll do what?

PRESTON: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.

MONIQUE: Oh my God!

PRESTON: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.

MONIQUE: Really?

PRESTON: Yeah, if I have to. Monique, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.

MONIQUE: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

PRESTON: But you're not.

MONIQUE: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.

PRESTON: God. I love you.

MONIQUE: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?

PRESTON: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Corbin, Vanessa, Zac, Lucas, and Ashley are there waiting for Corbin's cyberchick to arrive

CORBIN: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Vanessa) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?

VANESSA: Corbin, relax, Corbin, she'll be here.

CORBIN: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ZAC: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.

ASHLEY: Corbin, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Corbin's date walks in)

CORBIN: Oh my God! (it's Keke)

KEKE: OH...MY...GAWD!! (Corbin rushes over and kisses her)

ALL: OH...MY...GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Corbin and Lucas's, Lucas is reading a script as Zac enters

ZAC: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Lucas).

LUCAS: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Vanessa is a very lucky girl.


End file.
